More RENT

Goddamn. This week has been incredible. Three RENT shows. My head is bursting.

I'm not panicking as much as I thought I would. That's nice. When I say "panicking", I'm talking about my reaction to my last show. For the foreseeable future, this is the last time I will see RENT onstage. It's terrifying. Yet somehow, I'm not weeping right now. I'm just...happy.

I'm young, and I'm nowhere near started on my path of life. But around this age, many people find something to relate to, something to take comfort in, something that they love. I have loved RENT for years. I am so lucky to have it. I am so lucky to have seen it. I am so lucky.

It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me feel loved. The music is fucking incredible. The characters are wonderful. The history is almost as dramatic as the show itself. The entire thing is part of who I am. You can't separate me from the changes RENT has made in my life. I am a product of RENT in many ways.

After so long, it's hard for me to appreciate the OBC for what they were. These fifteen people were an abnormality; their relationships and actions are not to be found more than once in a several decades. The love they had for each other. The chemistry they had with each other. What they created. What they meant to all of us. Every little bit of it endures. Wilson and Jesse's I'll Cover You is never any less wonderful. Anthony's Mark is never any else crazy and awesome. Adam and Daphne's Another Day is never any less intense. Idina and Fredi's Take Me Or Leave Me is never any less powerful. The entire cast inspire feelings in me I can't find anywhere else. RENT fulfills a need I didn't know I had.

I am giving in to love. I am refusing the live in fear. I can't control my destiny. My only goal is just to be.

Listening to I'll Cover You right now is making my chest hurt. This is the thing: the sadness, the longing, the regret, are all mingled with the love and celebration. I am going to read Harry Potter and detach from RENT right now, because I don't want to sob and feel full of loss. I am not going to sit here thinking my way through I'll Cover You for the millionth time, because although it doesn't make me unhappy, it...I don't know. It's a perfect and painful feeling. It's impossible to describe, but I can't feel it right now. I don't want to keep repeating the same thing. I want to detach right now so that I can preserve my feelings of content happiness.

This feels like denying emotion and being numb, but I don't think it is. I love I'll Cover You, and Wilson and Jesse, and RENT. God, I love them so much. But sometimes you just don't want to go there. You want to turn off the insense, wonderful emotions and let your brain recover. I cannot count how many times I have let those strong feelings about RENT take over. They're not going anywhere. No day but today is right, and I feel a little like I'm delaying and putting this off, which is against RENTian principle; but I think Jonathan Larson would understand. I honestly do. And god, I love his work. I love them. I love him. I have so much fucking love it's ridiculous. But after everything today, I need to rest. I'll come back to these crazy loves. But I need to regenerate.

RENT will always be there. My memories, my emotions, my connections to RENT will stop it from leaving me. I am a RENThead. I am proud. I love this show, and these people, and the magic they made. I love it. And I will always, ALWAYS have that with me.

"I've longed to discover something as true as this is."

Thank you, Jonathan Larson.