Brain Typhoon

Sometimes I wake up and everything is great. Everything feels right, everything is gonna work out for the best, everything is where it should be.

Sometimes I wake up and I feel like crying. I feel like hiding under the covers until I don't exist anymore, and I would...except that would make me feel even worse.

My mood swings like a freakin' pendulum. One minute I love all my friends to death and feel like the luckiest girl in the world. The next minute I'm jealous of them and want them to feel just as crappy as I do, just so I'm not alone. What is WRONG with me?

Is it okay to want people to want you more than you want them? Is it okay to want so much to know what the secret is? Is it so bad to feel smug because for once, I'm happier than the people around me?

Today, my dad, sister, and I went to the pool beside what used to be my grandparents' house before they both died and we had to sell the house because the world sucks (now the lawn is completely unkempt and the whole place looks haunted; great). This is the pool where I learned how to swim, and where I first passed a deep-end test, and where I spent a huge amount of time when I was younger. It felt so, so weird being back. Like I was suddenly ten years old again. The trees were too tall. They cut off the sun. I had a board-battle with my dad and we came to a stalemate; I learned from the best. My sister and I messed around and had a great time. It was so nice.

Some people are performing two of my short plays. This should make me happy, but it just makes me wracked with embarrassment and uncertainty. They hate it, don't they? They're just feeling sorry for me. Oh my god, this is awful writing, what was I THINKING? Yeah, that was running on a loop through my head the whole time.

I miss Sierra. I wonder if she's reading this. I hope she's having a wonderful time in Oxford. Her blog posts seemed to say she was. I can't wait until we have her back home.

On Friday I hung with Leora and Will and just generally was so, so happy because they are both amazing. Then Will and I dropped Leora off and went to dinner with Ian and Emma at Le's, which used to be Pho Pasteur. Their noodles are good, I stole some of Emma's.

Yesterday, I hung out with Mira, Phia, and Jess. I missed them all so much, I can't even tell you. What is my PROBLEM? I stay away from some of the people I love the most in the world. Then I hung with Roze, Shawn, and Benjy. Same question as previously. We saw Public Enemies, which pretty much sucked, except for me being able to stare at Johnny Depp's chiseled gorgeousness for two-something hours. Even lesbians love this guy; I think that says something for him indeed.

I'm listening to "Still I Can't Be Still", by Idina Menzel. I love her so much. I also love this song. I listened to it a lot when I was in Greece a while ago. God, Greece is beautiful. The Mediterranean is the most wonderful sea in the world: its water is pure, rich blue, deeper than chlorine and much more natural. It's warmer than it should be, and...it is just beyond words. When my family and I were in Greece, we stayed on this island called Helki. Though it did its best to be a tourist trap, there were precious few cars, cats, everywhere, and just enough lack of civilization for it to be unspoiled. I hope it's still that way.

Most mornings, I would get up and walk down the path to the little wharf and waterfront. I'd buy something from the bakery, maybe a ham and cheese croissant, and go sit on the edge of the wharf with my legs dangling over the edge and that brilliant blue water washing up against the concrete. I'd throw little bits of my croissant into the water and soon enough, there would be a hundred different kinds of fish swimming right beneath my feet. It was incredible to watch. Dad almost died by lionfish and Halie almost died by sea urchin. The kitties were everywhere. I made friends with the local kids. There was a goat-tanning building. My older cousin Nina made friends with this Irish guy Patrick, and we hung with him for a while. On the bus back from the ferry, we passed loads of brown brush and dry fields. "Still I Can't Be Still" brings me right back there.

On Tuesday I'm seeing RENT. I haven't allowed myself to think about it very much. For one thing, I'll be going alone, which is hard. For another, the emotional wrecking ball will hit pretty damn hard, and if I want to function, I have to hold it back for as long as possible. I'm taking ym Mark Scarf. Yuss.

I finished a bit of my AP Bio summer work. Go me.

I just watched five episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air with my little sister. She really is my best friend. That sounds so very cliche, but it's true. We get each other so well. And we've been through the same shit together.

There's a lot more to say. But I have to go to bed. G'night.