Oh, One More Thing--Memories of Romance

I just remembered one more thing I want to post.

I was trying to understand why I felt so nice inside today when I was struck with a sudden memory: it was of my first date with my first girlfriend, who is now my ex. She came down from Lowell, where she lives, and we hung out around Boston, being all awkward and flirty and generally first-datey. Because movies are fun, yo, we went to see WALL-E, which was the only thing that a) we could both legally see and b) the only thing we both didn't think was atrocious-looking.

So: in the movie. Lights off, previews down, the film progressing on its merry way. I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh my god, what do I do? I can't just make a move, god, that would be so tacky, help help help, I have to do SOMETHING, oh god, I think I'm gonna have an aneurysm." Meanwhile, Kelly (not her real name) is sitting next to me, and I have NO IDEA what she's thinking. So, being as neurotic as I am, I go for--wait for it--the "stealth" approach.

Over the course of maybe three minutes, while pretending to watch the movie--of course, I had no idea what was going on--I very, very, very slowly edged my hand out and touched hers with mine. No reaction, which I took to mean, "I won't scream or pull away, but you have to keep making the moves."

Of course, it could also have meant, "This movie is truly fascinating and I am so involved in it that I haven't noticed anyone is touching me."

I went a little farther and put one finger on top of her hand; no way she could ignore that. Still no reaction, so I kept going--finger by finger, second by second, so nervous I was gonna start twitching or something--until finally. Finally. FINALLY.

Finally I was holding her hand.

I don't think I can express what this was like. I'm a person with image problems, self-esteem issues, and an underdeveloped urge for relationships; in other words, I fail at getting a significant other, and that's just fine with me. But in this case...god, it was magical. To have proof--REAL PROOF--that another human being wasn't repulsed by me. That she wanted to hold my hand; that was huge for me. To this day, when I watch that part of WALL-E-- the part where WALL-E has hitched a ride on EVE's spaceship and is marveling at the beauty of space--I remember the first time I held someone's hand. You know, held their hand LIKE THAT.

I actually tried going further, but she was waaaaay too nervous, so that went nowhere. Later, we walked around and finally went to the Government Center T stop, which was near her commuter rail line. We lingered by the construction partitions there, leaning against the wall under the awning outside, avoiding puddles (it was raining lightly) and generally being nervous weirdos. I had no idea what to do, my head was blank, I delayed for what felt like years--

And then I kissed her.

I'm proud of myself for that. No matter what I do later in life, I will have that for myself. I had to the courage to take a kiss, initiate, go for it myself. Me, the girl who still can't believe anyone would ever be attracted to her. Me, the girl who's had self-esteem issues from frigging birth. Me, the snarky Jewish teddy bear from Cambridge. ME. I kissed her. I did it. Even if I grow up to fail again and again and again, I'll have that triumph. That strength was there then, and I know it's there now.

We hung around for hours longer, just at that T stop, giggling and kissing like complete idiots. We kissed in and out of the rain, kissed once for every person that walked by (she was too nervous to kiss around people) and then made our way to the commuter rail station, where we found a back-alley kinda thing and...you guessed it. Kissed.

So what if this wasn't the girl I'd marry, or whatever. So what if things ended badly. This memory--holding her hand, kissing her, being strong--will stay with me as long as I live. And today it came to me randomly, and it made me smile. And it is part of why I was actually happy today.