Parody: Twilight (In Progress)

PHOENIX:

BELLA: The hour of my departure is nigh. My heart flutters with pain and grief. I gaze wistfully across the landscape that I hold so dear.

RENEE: Oh honey, I’ll miss y—

BELLA: I am wearing my prettiest tank top, with eyelet lace and sequins and cross-stitching and no itchy tags. It makes me feel less sad about martyr-ly ditching my mom to have her life with Phil, the plot point of all trophy husbands…

RENEE: Um, sweetie, just call if you need anyth—

BELLA: And even though the pain is too hard to bear, I shall hold it inside on my sweet darling mother’s behalf! Alas, the tears, they fight to escape the prison of my tear ducts!

RENEE: Your plane is boarding—

BELLA: AND I AM JUST SO SAD BECAUSE MY FATHER IS SO DISTANT AND I SHALL BE SO LONESOME AND WOE IS ME, MY FATE IS SEALED!

STEWARDESS: Is she always like this?

RENEE: Pretty much.

ON THE PLANE:

STEWARDESS: Would you like some peanu—

BELLA: WHAT AM I TO DO I AM SO SACRIFICING FOR THE MOTHER THAT I LOVE WITH THE WHITE-HOT HEAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS AND NOW SHE WILL BE HAPPY WITHOUT HER ONLY CHILD

STEWARDESS: *is driven to drink*

FORKS, WASHINGTON

CHARLIE: I am stereotypically awkward!

BELLA: I find your awkwardness stereotypically irritating, yet somehow quaint!

CHARLIE: I am a single male, and therefore I have been unable to function by myself for the last decade and a half. Feed me by hand?

BELLA: Delighted.

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

CHARLIE: To apologize for being abandoned by your mother, I have bought you a unique and charmingly decrepit truck.

BELLA: Yay! Now I can give that money I was saving for a car to the puppy orphanage! Oh, Charlie, it’s what I’ve always wanted: a century-old, peace-disruptingly loud rust lump that gets thirteen miles to the gallon. For a distant father, you sure are savvy about the ways of teenage girls.

CHARLIE: My friend Billy Black rebuilt it. His son JACOB helped. Remember JACOB? The boy who played doctor with you when you were six? He’s all grown up into a young buck of a future plot point.

BELLA: Oh yes, how droll.

STEPHENIE MEYER: Hmmm…

CHARLIE’S HOUSE LATER:

CHARLIE: All right, Bella, you can stop licking the carpet clean. It’s time for school!

BELLA: Oh, my. I do hope that everyone will behave properly and ignore me. I hate it when others acknowledge my existence. It makes me feel so bothersome.

STEREOTYPICAL SMALL HIGH SCHOOL:

BELLA: This loud and incredibly old truck will help me blend into the scenery.

STUDENTS: *STARE*

STUDENT #1: OMG CHIEF SWAN HAS A DAUGHTER HOW INSANE

STUDENT #2: SHE IS TOTALLY MYSTERIOUS AND AMAZING

STUDENT #3: WHAT IS THERE TO DO IN OUR SMALL TOWN LIVES BUT STARE AT HER

STUDENTS: *more STARE*

BELLA: *resentful whimper*

ERIC: Hi. Would you mind having my babies?

BELLA: How dare you make an effort to be friendly? I shun you!

BELLA: *flomps off*

ERIC: *cries*

GYM:

Clumsy!BELLA: I slip! I fall! Oh noes!

STUDENTS: So basically, you are so uncoordinated that you’ll slip and crack your head open while sitting down.

Clumsy!BELLA: Yuh-huh. I’m not good at the whole ‘balance’ thing.

STEPHENIE MEYER: It’s endearing, right? And it makes her relatable, right? And now Bella is the favoritest person of anyone ever, right?

READERS: Actually, it’s just annoying.

STEPHENIE MEYER: No no no! She’s adorable! ADORABLE, GOD DAMN IT!

READERS: Okay, infuriating as MarySue!Clumsy!Bella is, she is nowhere near as crazy-ass as you are, lady.

STEPHENIE MEYER: *strangled gurgle*

SCHOOL:

RANDOM GIRL: Hey! I know everyone is staring and making you uncomfortable, so I’ll break the ice and invite you to sit with me and my friends!

BELLA: If it pleases me, I shall make an effort to remember your name in the future.

Lunch: *is eaten*

BELLA: People want to talk to me. Might as well gouge my eye out with a spork.

MIKE: YOU…PRETTY.

BELLA: *prepares to start a-gougin’*

PRETTY PEOPLE: *are PRETTY*

BELLA: *stare*

PRETTY PEOPLE: *are not eating*

BELLA: *drool*

PRETTY PEOPLE: *are stoic and intensely unfriendly-looking*

BELLA: OMG WANT THEM.

RANDOM GIRL: Are you looking at the Cullens?

BELLA: IrememberyournameJessicaloveyousomuchtellmeboutthem.

JESSICA: Their names are Rosalie and Jasper and Emmett and Alice and Edward. They’re the adopted kids of Carlisle and Esme Cullen. I don’t know why, but they’re sooper creepy. Of course, that doesn’t make them any less—

BELLA: PRETTY MAGICAL BEAUTIFUL GLORIOUS ANGELIC SCINTILLATING GORGEOUS DIVINE?

JESSICA: I was gonna say ‘hot’.

BELLA: They’re too pretty to be sexual in any way. Shame.

EDWARD: *SUPER ROBOT EVIL GLARE HYPER FORCE GO*

BELLA: *withers*

MIKE: Bella, wanna go to class? Wanna? I’ll take you, cuz I wants to be with you, Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella…

BELLA: You disgust me. Not like Mr. SHINY BRONZE-HAIRED ONYX-EYED ANGEL OF DEATH GLARES over there.

BIOLOGY:

BELLA: I can has seat next to Edward? Yay me.

EDWARD: *clenches muscles*

BELLA: Ooooooh.

EDWARD: *tenses body*

BELLA: Aaaaaah.

EDWARD: *ANGRY ANGRY FACE*

BELLA: *swoon*

OFFICE:

MIKE: Can I have your sock? To sniff? Please?

BELLA: Gonna hide. Office. Now.

EDWARD: So, I was wondering if I could do anything on earth to get out of sixth-period Bio…

Comically Overweight Office Lady: You could let me give you some lovin’ detention, you bad little boy…oh, lookie there, I dropped my sparkle pen, wanna pick it up for me?

EDWARD: If I must OMG BELLA HERE GOTS TO GO BYE.

BELLA: *bleats*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

BELLA: Sorry, Charlie, can’t spackle the driveway today, gotta focus on obsessing over Edward.

CHARLIE: *watches game*

SCHOOL:

STUDENTS: Bella, you are our friend and we love you so.

BELLA: I use you as my cover while I focus on obsessing over Edward.

MIKE: He may be pretty, but I’m masculine. And manly. And…not pretty.

BELLA: In reality, I don’t care about any of you and anything you say is infinitely less interesting than my Angel of Scary Looks.

STUDENTS: *Bella-worship*

EDWARD: *is not there*

BELLA: *dies inside*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

BELLA: Charlie, I’m going to go buy food so I can fix you an exquisite four-course meal while focusing on obsessing over Edward, ‘kay?

CHARLIE: *watches game*

FOOD STORE:

BELLA: *sees shiny Volvo* Good god, the Pretty People have a Volvo? THEY’RE EVEN MORE AWESOMELY AWESOME THAN BEFORE!

READERS: Huh?

STEPHENIE MEYER: *grumblegrumbleNEVERGOTACARINHIGHSCHOOLDAMMITSTUPIDPARENTS STUPIDLIFEgrumble*

BELLA: *checks her email*

RENEE: Dear Bella, I’m writing this to you while I prepare to start hunting for the ravaged remains of your body, since you haven’t answered me in the last few minutes and are probably dead in some sex fiend’s basement…

BELLA: Even I’m freaked out, Mom, GOD.

CHARLIE: The Cullens are awesome! Dr. Cullen is beyootiful! DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM!

BELLA: Yeeha.

DAYS GO BY:

EDWARD: *is still not there*

READERS: *couldn’t care less*

BELLA: *weeps*

DAY OF SPECIALNESS:

BELLA’s Friends: Snow! Yay! Come frolic with us, Bella!

BELLA: Enjoying things is FOR THE WEAK.

EDWARD: *is there*

BELLA: *becomes a unicorn of joy*

BIOLOGY:

EDWARD: Hello. How are you, BELLA?

BELLA: *gasp* He knows my TRUE NAME.

EDWARD: Pleasant conversing with you, really it is. Notice that I’m NOT doing everything I can to keep from running away from you like a bat out of freakin’ hell, because why would I do that? T’would be silly, t’would it not?

BELLA: *drool*

EDWARD’s Eyes: *change color*

BELLA: OMG. Your eyes used to be searing and intense black marble, yet now they are a lovely and scintillating shade of topaz-like butterscotch.

EDWARD: Baby, das how ah roll.

BELLA: *burbles*

EDWARD: So…why’s a doll like you out here in this big lonely wilderness?

BELLA: My mommy got a new husband who’s twenty years younger and he plays baseball and I was making her miserable by being in her life so I flew out to the place I hate most in the world and life was hell until I saw you so can I make your babies?

EDWARD: God, you’re strange. I must stalk you a little more until I understand where the crazy comes from.

BELLA: You must do what until the what now?

EDWARD: I. Am. Pretty.

BELLA: *swoons*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

BELLA: I’m gonna drive up to Seattle at some point. S’cool?

CHARLIE: *watches game*

BELLA: A’ight, s’cool.

LATER:

BELLA: Why do boys like me here? Could it be that my ebony hair and chocolate eyes and snow-white skin and petite figure and incredibly engaging nature are somehow more than achingly ordinary here?

READERS: If we strangle you now, will the book get a little funner?

SCHOOL:

BELLA: *twirls* Edward, Edward, Edward, whoa-oh, Edward…

CAR: I CAN HAS FLYING POWERS!

BELLA: The end is nigh!

STUDENTS: Woe!

EDWARD: Not today, bitches. *KO’s car like a crazy man*

BELLA: But…you were just over there! I saw you! How did you get over here?

EDWARD: Yeah, don’t say thanks for saving your life or anything.

BELLA: You saved my what in the what now?

EDWARD: *rolls eyes*

HOSPITAL:

BELLA: Being injured is beneath me. As are neck braces.

MIKE: *digs Bella’s discarded neck brace out of the trash* Oh, ecstasy.

CARLISLE: *swooshes in* Let me have a look at you, Miss Swan.

BELLA: O. M. G. PLEASE RAVISH ME NOW WHILE I’M STILL POSSIBLY CONCUSSED.

EDWARD: Hey, Dad.

CARLISLE: Hey, son.

BELLA: You two are both so pretty…and you have the last name Cullen…and you know each other…you must be related!

CARLISLE: You always go for the dim ones, don’t ya, Ed?

EDWARD: Well, pardon f-cking me for not letting her get squished.

BELLA: Hey, Edward, how exactly did you save me? You never actually explained that…

EDWARD: You hit your head. It was a dream. The shrooms hadn’t worn off yet.

BELLA: Don’t screwwith me, you glorious angel-faced liquid-eyed bastard.

EDWARD: Your posse is here.

BELLA: Forget them, I wanna find out about YOU.

EDWARD: Argh. Fine. I’ll explain. Just stop sniffing me when you think I’m not looking, ok?

BELLA: I DO NOT. *sniff*

EDWARD: HEY!

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

CHARLIE: Bella, honey, are you okay?

BELLA: LEAVE ME ALONE IT’S JUST A CONCUSSION AND SOME BROKEN RIBS AND EVERYTHING WHY ARE YOU SO CLINGY?

CHARLIE: I called your mom.

BELLA: You. Suck.

CHARLIE: *whimpers*

BELLA: *stomps away*

CHARLIE: *watches game*

READERS: Help?

NIGHTTIME:

BELLA: I have Edward!Dreams! Yay!

DREAMS: We rock your world, baby.

Sleeping!BELLA: EdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdward EdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdward…

READERS: I can make it through this book, I can make it through this book…

Sleeping!BELLA: EDWARD.

READERS: *lie down and peacefully give up the fight for actual plot*

TIME: *passes*

BELLA: So…nobody saw Edward save me from certain death?

STUDENTS: Strangely no, we were too busy shielding our eyes from the INEVITABLE CARNAGE.

BELLA: I hate you all so very, very much. Except for you, Edward…

EDWARD: *ignores her*

BELLA: Edward? Eeeeeeeedward?

EDWARD: *is absorbed in a book*

BELLA: *weakly*…Edward?

EDWARD: *talks to people other than Bella*

BELLA: OH GOD HE HATES ME AND WISHES I WERE DEAD HOW CAN LIFE GET WORSE THAN THIS JUST KILL ME NOW!

READERS: *perk up* Hmm? Pardon?

BELLA: No! Wait! I must confront him! I will not give up in my quest for the truest of true loves!

READERS: Damn, damn, DAMN!

SCHOOL:

JESSICA: Hey Bellaboo, can I ask MIKE to the dance?

BELLA: *eye-twitch* Yes, indeed you may.

JESSICA: Yay! *huggles*

MIKE: Bella? If you’re not going to the dance with anyone else…

BELLA: Mike, it’s kinda hard to hear what you’re saying when you’re humping my leg like that.

MIKE: Oh, sorry…anyway, will you go to the dance with me?

BELLA: Um…well, Mike, this is hard to say, and I hope we can always remain friends, but I have a…a…A RARE STOMACH PARASITE THAT IS TRANSFERRED BY DANCING AND/OR LEG HUMPING. PLUS I AM GOING FAR FAR AWAY THIS WEEKEND. GO ASK JESSICA INSTEAD.

MIKE: Ooh, Bella, give me your parasite, baby…

BELLA: WHAT?

MIKE: NothinggottagoseeJessica.

BIOLOGY:

EDWARD: *acknowledges Bella’s existence*

BELLA: OMG HE SEES ME HIDE *hides behind hair*

EDWARD: I’m no good for you. We both know you belong with Victor.

BELLA: …the f-ck?

EDWARD: Ok, fine, Bogart won’t work. Look, Bella, you’ll understand when you’re older…

BELLA: You wish I was dead. THEN I WOULDN’T BE OLDER!

EDWARD: First of all, it’s my turn to be confused with your random sitcom assumptions. Second of all, WHY DO YOU TALK IN CAPS ALL THE TIME?!

BELLA: *storms away*

EDWARD: Aaaaaaaand I get no answer.

SCHOOL:

ERIC: Bella, would you consider going to the dance with a humble young man like myself?

BELLA: I would rather eat my own spleen.

ERIC: *sigh*

PARKING LOT

BELLA: BLEEPing traffic and I’m BLEEPing blocked the BLEEP in, so I’m gonna be so BLEEPing pissed…

TYLER: Hi! Remember me, I’m the one who nearly maimed you with my car but you were too busy ogling Edward to notice! Go to the dance with me!

BELLA: BLEEPing BLEEP the BLEEP off, you BLEEPing BLEEP of a BLEEP!

TYLER: So that’s a no for the dance, but a yes for prom! Yay!

BELLA: *froths at the mouth*

EDWARD: *giggles*

BELLA: *fails to be in any way unhappy with the Pretty One*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

JESSICA: *on the phone* Mike is taking me to the dance as obvious sloppy seconds! I am so happy!

BELLA: Hurrah for you. Get the rest of my man-harem off my back, will you?

JESSICA: Sure thing, soldier. *salutes*

BELLA: And now for three or four pages of Edward-wangst…

READERS: Oh. God. No.

STEPHANIE MEYER: TAKE THAT!

READERS: *froth at the mouth*

EVERYONE INVOLVED: *is unhappy*

STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a sadist*

LATER:

BELLA: *humming* Gonna see Edward…gonna see him today…whoa-oa, Edward…you’re the sugar to my tea…you’re the jelly to my toast…you’re the—

EDWARD: I will talk to you if you stop right there with the metaphors. Also, as a supreme ethereal being, I cannot even ingest human foods like tea and toast.

BELLA: Meep?

EDWARD: So, let’s go to Seattle together.

BELLA: But you said we should stay away from each other.

EDWARD: Do you want to spend time in a cramped car with me or not?

BELLA: I WOULD EAT MY SPLEEN AND MY PANCREAS FOR THE OPPURTUNITY.

EDWARD: Jolly well, then.

SCHOOL, LATER:

JESSICA: Edward is staring at you again OH NOES.

BELLA: Gonna ditch you guys for him. Later.

EDWARD: Your friends don’t look happy.

BELLA: I hate them all.

EDWARD: Wow, you’re sort of a bitch, aren’t you?

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: What?

BELLA: So anyway, what’s up?

EDWARD: F-ck it, I might as well be friends with you, since you’ll just stalk me into oblivion otherwise.

READERS: *will see the irony of this in a few hundred pages*

BELLA: Yes…yes, I probably will.

EDWARD: But I’m a bad friend! A baaaaaaaad friend! No good for you!

BELLA: But…but you’re PRETTY.

EDWARD: The girl, she speaks the truth. Anyway, I talk a lot. Like right now.

BELLA’s Eyes: *glaze over as Edward babbles*

EDWARD: Bella? What are you thinking about?

BELLA: Hmmm? Oh, nothing, just your bone…

EDWARD: Excuse me?

BELLA:…white skin that is so beautiful and alluring. And your come…

EDWARD: Pardon?

BELLA:…pletely golden hair and eyes.

READERS: So we have to read this romantic drivel and we don’t even get ANY smut? You evil, soul-crushing woman.

STEPHENIE MEYER: *cackle*

EDWARD: Boys are looking at you. Shall I eat them?

BELLA: No, probably not…wait, what?

EDWARD’s Eyes: *sparkle sparkle*

BELLA: SHINY.

EDWARD: So, what do you think I am? I could be a superhero…or maybe a VILLAIN. But just for kicks, which Justice League character could I be?

BELLA: Batman. Either that or Wonder Woman, because the more I describe you in my mind, the gayer you seem to be.

EDWARD: Yes well I’m skipping class gotta go bye.

SCIENCE TEACHER: Today we are taking blood. Taking it, smelling it, studying it, tasting it, simply wallowing—or maybe even swimming, cavorting, drowning—in blood. Please ready your blood kits!

BELLA: Oh my, I seem to have the vapors! Alack! *swoons in a rather pathetic way*

MIKE: I’ll take you to the nurse, Bella! *whispering* Oh please oh please oh please oh please…just play your cards right and she’ll fall in love with you before she vomits…

SCIENCE TEACHER: I don’t care who takes her, just get her out before her bile taints the BLOOD.

BELLA: *is limp*

MIKE: *is sadly lacking in heroic zeal*

EDWARD: OH MY GOD MY POOR BELLA! Release her, you varlot, or I shall be forced to thrash you!

MIKE: No! Gimme the Bella back!

EDWARD: Nerp. *slings Bella over his shoulder and runs like the wind*

MIKE: *is the most tortured character in the whole goddamn book*

READERS: Do we count?

NURSE’S OFFICE

Edward: Ms. Cope, Bella *chuckle* is *snort* a little *giggle* sick. Heeheeheeheeheehee…

Ms. Cope: Oh, you poor baby. Don’t worry, there’s always one faker I MEAN FAINTER with these things.

Bella: Edward, go away. I’m already light years out of your league; having you see me all wimpy and dainty will surely demean me even more in your eyes.

Edward: Hey, if I’d been in a room with sixteen bleeding people, I would have broken their necks, piled their twisted bodies on the floor, and sucked their bodily fluids like an alcoholic with a keg of Jagermeister.

Bella: Whuh?

Edward: Don’t feel bad about fainting, Bella.

Mike: *lugging Blood-Sick Pansy #2* Yo, Bella? Hey, are you okay? I mean, is everything all right? Wanna hold my hand? PLEASE?

Bella: KEEP YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET.

Readers: …what?

Bella: I do not want to smell the rusty salty icky BLOOOOOOOOOD!

Readers: …ah.

Edward: Wait…you can smell blood?

Bella: Yeah, why?

Edward: *twitching a little* Umm…no reason. No reason at all.

Mike: Anyway, BELLA, are YOU still COMING WITH US to the BEACH this SATURDAY?

Bella: Oh…uh…sure…I guess so…*whispering* Edward please oh please oh please come with us I do not know what I shall do if I have no one but NORMAL UNPRETTY PEOPLE to spend my day with…

Edward: *whispering* As tempting as it is to make Mike’s head explode…no.

Mike: *oblivious* Great! Well, I’ll see you in about eighteen minutes and forty-two seconds, because that’s when you usually leave for gym! Okay? Okay! *flounces away, having abandoned Blood-Sick Pansy #2 to the harsh world of the nurse’s office*

Bella: Oh god. GYM. On a good day I only break downwards of five people’s limbs. Today I might as well call in a hearse, ‘cause some sad kid gonna die from my sickly flailing.

Edward: Hold on. Look pale and useless, okay?

Bella: ANYTHING FOR YOU.

Edward: Ms. Cope, honey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Bella got a wee bit ruffled by this whole BLOOD thing and she’s feeling a little off. I think she should go home for the day.

Ms. Cope: But that’s against quite a few school policies. I need to call her father, alert the principal and vice principal, get a signed affidavit from her current teacher—

Edward: *waving hand* You WILL let Bella go home for the day.

Ms. Cope: I WILL let Bella go home for the day.

Edward: *waving hand* You WILL refrain from calling her father.

Ms. Cope: I WILL refrain from calling her father.

Edward: *waving hand* You WILL stop staring at my ass whenever I turn around.

Ms. Cope: Okay, Bella, dear, feel better soon!

Edward: Didn’t you hear me? I said you WILL—Ms. Cope? Ms. Cope? Goddamnit.

PARKING LOT

Bella: Ugh, I still feel like throwing up. I think I’m gonna go home.

Edward: Okay, let me drive you.

Bella: No, really, it’s fine, I’m just gonna take my truck and—

Edward: WOMAN, DID YOU HEAR ME ASKING YOUR PERMISSION? NOW YOU GET YOUR DAINTY HUMAN ASS IN THAT F-CKING VOLVO AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BREATHING ON MY UPHOLSTERY WITH YOUR FREESIA-SCENTED GOODNESS!

Bella: …

Readers: Punch him in the face, punch him in the face, PLEASE punch him in the face…

Bella: …okay, fine, I’ll let you drag me across the parking lot and stuff me in your car. But don’t think I’m not miffed!

Readers: *facepalm*

VOLVO OF LOVE

Debussy: *plays*

Bella: Is this Beethoven’s 5th Requiem?

Edward: …yes. Yes it is.

Bella: *beams*

Edward: So…about your mother.

Bella: She looks like me, only beautiful instead of homely and unattractive. She’s quirky and eccentric, with just enough charm and comic appeal to be lovably identifiable for teens with overprotective mothers. She’s my bestest friend and the only one who has ever made me feel WANTED and LOVED. Also, she can make rainbows and kittens appear with her mind.

Edward: Um. Okay. Why’d she marry Young Phil?

Bella: Oh, Young Phil? Well, she likes to pretend to be half her age, and since Phil’s only personality trait seems to be that he’s YOUNG, she married him and they sit around having tea parties and backyard campouts in Florida. I didn’t want to keep making their peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches, so I ran out to my own personal hell. Which is here.

Edward: Hmmm. Interesting. I wonder, would she do the same for you: accept a husband of your choice, even if he was…*dramatic pause* DANGEROUS?

Bella: *shifty eyes* Well, that depends. What do you mean by…*dramatic pause* DANGEROUS?

Edward: Oh, I don’t know. Someone who appears harmless, even appealing, but underneath is a monster of great magnitude…someone behind whose perfect face lurks a bloodthirsty killer. An uncontrollable, unstoppable, angsty murderer in glorious bronze-haired beige-wearing disguise. That kind of DANGEROUS.

Bella: Hmmm. Yeah, she’d probably be a little iffy about that, but no way to know without asking, I guess.

Edward: …

Bella: So, about YOU: d’you like being the bastard offspring of an angel and a gay supermodel? Does the rest of your family? What are they like?

Edward: Well, they’re…um…sort’ve…you know…pretty?

Bella: I’VE NOTICED.

Edward: I’m sure you have.

Bella: *wistfully* I wish I had parents like Carlisle and Esme…Charlie is all boring and ugly and cares about me and shit. It’s so aggravating sometimes.

Edward: Hey, we’re at your house. Now get out of my car before you make it explode with your devil’s luck or something.

Bella: Suuuuuuure you can’t come to the beach tomorrow? If you do, I might be mean to Mike and yell at Eric JUST FOR YOU.

Edward: Sorry, can’t. Me and Emmett are going camping.

Bella: Camping? Together? In the remote woods? With you both being hunky, baby-faced, muscled, divinely perfect young men? Really?

Edward: He’s my BROTHER.

Bella: Oh, in an “adopted-brothers-no-real-relation-perfectly-able-to-have-non-incestuous-hot-camping-sex” kind of way?

Edward: Yes, exactly. WAIT NO NOT LIKE THAT I LOVE HIM IN A PLATONIC AND COMPLETELY INNOCENT BROTHERLY WAY OKAY?

Bella: Oh, man, I get the feeling I’m barking up the wrong tree here. Not that I’ll stop obsessing over your every word, blink, and nose-blow, but still. It’s always the pretty ones, isn’t it?

Edward: Pfft, whatever, girl. Look, do me a favor here; try not to die this weekend. I won’t be there to watch you every second including during the night from your old rocking chair, okay? Keep that in mind.

Bella: Fine, whatever. *gets out of car* Wait, Edward? What was that about the rocking ch—

Edward: *burns rubber down the street*

Bella: …bye.

NEXT DAY

Jessica: Wow, Bella, you fainted in Bio? That must have sucked.

Bella: Oh, great, Jess, thanks for ENJOYING MY PAIN.

Jessica: Christ, I’m just trying to be concerned. Must you construe everything I say in such a cynical way?

Bella: Sorry. I’m superior by nature. It’s a gift and a curse.

Jessica: A really irritating gift, I gotta say.

Bella: I’m sorry, were you speaking?

Jessica: Anyway, why’d you sit with Edward Cullen yesterday?

Bella: No reason.

Jessica: Why’d you look like you wanted to smack him upside the head?

Bella: Meh. Dunno.

Jessica: What did he say to you? *speaking very quietly and fast* GirlwhoMikedoesn’tlikesaysnothing?

Bella: Nothing.

Jessica: Woohoo! Glad to hear it.

Lauren: *walking out of the cafeteria* GOD, I just wish Bella were DEAD so that I could BADMOUTH her without being EAVESDROPPED ON…

Mike: You are mean to Bella! You are bad! Bella is good! She was, is, and will always be better than you! I KEEL YOU!

Stephenie Meyer: Now everyone who was ever mean to me will feel bad and DIE. HA HA HA! Ha…ha…haaaaaaaa…*cries*

Readers: This…is uncomfortably obvious wish fulfillment right here. Can we go to Charlie’s bumbling inadequacy now?

Stephenie Meyer: SURE. *sniffle*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE

Bella: Hey, I’m going to the beach with some kids tomorrow.

Charlie: *watches game*

Bella: Also, I am not being driven to Seattle by Edward Cullen.

Charlie: Bella, would you pipe down? I can’t watch the game.

NEXT DAY

Ben, Conner, Tyler, Eric, Jessica, Angela, And Especially Mike: HI BELLA.

Bella: *grumblemumbleWISHEDWARDWASHEREgrumblemumble*

Lauren: I hate you.

Bella: *sigh*

Mike: So, you’re gonna ride in my car, right? My car. Mine. Beside me. Forever and ever.

Bella: *patting Mike’s head* Okay, Mike. If you’re a good boy and stop peeing on the carpet, I’ll ride with you.

Mike: Yay! I’d do anything for you, Bella…even give up the sweet, sweet pleasure of carpet-piddling. Seriously. I will. Tomorrow.

Readers: Well, she calls him a golden retriever or whatever for the majority of the book, so I guess this is…not creepy…

QUILEUTE LAND

Nature: *is gorgeous*

Mike: Here, Bella look at this driftwood fire. The salt makes the flames different colors. And look at these tidal pools! They’re so full of marine life! Isn’t it awesome?

Bella: Yeah. It’s so pretty…oh my god…pretty…EDWARD!

Mike: *sigh*

Eric: Look, there’s some new kids at our campfire! Why, I think...yes! It is! It’s the Diversity!

Bella: Ah. The significance of a conveniently located Indian reservation begins to dawn upon me.

Catherine Hardwicke, Director of Twilight: The Movie: Just you all wait. I’m going to make one of the lesser vampires black, and some of the human students won’t be white! It’ll be awesome!

Readers: Oh. Yes. Racial uniformity. Because that’s the biggest problem with this book.

Jacob: Um, hi, Bella? Remember me? I’m Jacob, one of those distant childhood friends you hope you never run into after about a decade of being forced together by negligent parents. Nice to see you again. You sure got pretty over the years.

Bella: *musing to herself* He’s nice…and sweet…and has an altogether pretty face.

Readers: HE has a pretty face? EXCUSE ME? What happened to Glorious Angel-Face McMarblePants?

Bella: Oh, Jacob, you’re so fun to be around. Such a relief after all these BRAINLESS MUNDANE PEOPLE I AM FORCED TO MINGLE WITH AGAINST MY WILL.

Lauren: *who is described as having pale fishy eyes and a nasal voice, so we KNOW she’s a bitch* Hey, Bella, I see your new best friend isn’t here. By which I mean, HA HA, Edward Cullen didn’t come because he obviously doesn’t love you.

Bella: Talk to the hand, girl.

Burly Quileute ManBoy: THE CULLENS ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE. EVER. WE DON’T WANT NO CULLENS. NONE OF THEIR KIND CAN COME TO THIS BEACH. THEY ARE FORBIDDEN. ANTI-CULLEN ZONE RIGHT HERE.

Bella: Hmmm. I wonder if the Quileutes don’t like the Cullens…wait. A plan, she begins to form. *to Jacob* Hey, Jacob, you tall, manly man of a man…wanna take a walk with me? *flutters eyelashes*

Jacob: Oh. Sure.

DOWN THE BEACH

Bella: Soooo…what was that earlier about the Cullens? *flashes cleavage*

Jacob: Well, there’s an old Quileute legend about the COLD ONES. When they showed up, our Wolfy Ancestors were ready to tear them limb from limb, but they pulled some “not eating humans” bullshit and got off easy with a treaty or something. Upshot, the Cullens are mortal enemies of me and my tribe, but they are also upstanding and noble and whatever, and you totally, totally won’t be forced to choose between me and them in about a book and a half. In conclusion, they’re VAMPIRES.

Little Lightbulb in Bella’s Head: *spark* *fizzle* *chk-chk-chk-chk-BING!*

Bella: OMG VAMPIRES!

BACK IN FORKS

Bella: *pacing* Okay, okay, okay, don’t panic, don’t panic, he’s way too beautiful to kill me and suck my blood and do horrible unmentionable things to my desiccated corpse…no, way too pretty to do anything like that…but okay, this vampire thing is probably a problem. What do I do…I know! To the INTERNET!

Internet Connection: *is incredibly slow*

Readers: You know, this may be the first time in the entire book that we feel any kind of sympathy for her.

Bella: Let’s see. “Vampires and the Church of Satan”…”Vampire Eyeliner: The Look of the Undead Might Be For YOU!”…”Vampire Love: Edward and Bella Together 4Ever”…NONE OF THESE ARE ANY HELP AT ALL! Oh, hey, look at this…

Vampire Website: All vampire myths are very varied and completely untrue. Except for this one: the Stregoni Benefici, which is (and I quote): an Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.

The Stregoni Benefici: *is astoundingly convenient*

Bella: I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

IN THE FOREST

This Scene: *is very long and is singularly composed of Bella’s internal whiffling and waffling over whether or not Edward is a vampire, oh man I think he is I think he really really might be but NO THAT IS CRAZY, and also what she would do if he was indeed a crazy-scary bloodsucking thingamajig, would she continue to pursue him like a crazed bounty hunter or actually get a life, THE CHOICE IT IS SO HARD AND EMOTIONALLY WRENCHING, when we all know that Bella and Edward are going to be in love for reals, yo, and we knew this at the beginning of the book too, and now we’re just plowing through so we can get to see some hot vampire-sex, but we won’t even see that until the FREAKING FOURTH BOOK, so whatever.*

THE NEXT DAY

Sun: *shines*

Bella: Well, I’m obsessed with a legendary killing machine, I hate everyone else in my life, and I’m still achingly ordinary and plain in that gorgeous kind of way, but at least it’s sunny out!

Jessica: So Mike and I went out to dinner…and all he did was chew a table leg and talk about you…but it was still nice!

Bella: I am so glad for you. Seriously.

Jessica: Oh, hey, come up to Port Angeles with me and Angela this weekend. We want to get dresses for the dance and have fun hanging out with friends.

Bella: Hmmm? What are you talking about?

Jessica: Don’t worry, we’ll show you how to actually tolerate other human beings. It’ll be fun and educational!

Bella: *groan*

Jessica: WELL JUST SIT IN THE CAR AND BROOD, THEN.

Bella: *sigh* Nooooooo, it’s okaaaay, I’ll come aloooooong…*grumbling* Stupid kids, stupid Port Angeles, stupid life…

CHARLIE’S HOUSE

Bella: I’m going to have drive out of Forks with some friends, okay?

Charlie: But the DANCE, Bella! Aren’t you going to the DANCE? What about the DANCE?

Bella: Jesus, man, chill! We don’t all have to mold our lives around that female subjugation crap. I don’t have to go to no women-abusive dances if I don’t want to!

Charlie: Oh, sorry, Bella. I didn’t realize what a feminist you were. I apologize.

Bella: Good. Now, here’s the super-special hotline number that I want you to call if Edward Cullen breathes, speaks, or even farts his deliciously scented farts within a four-mile radius of the house. I’m available at this number 24/7, with the exception of the three hours of sleep I get a night, during which I dream of nothing Edward and his Cullen-y beauty. Also, EDWARD.

Charlie: Right…okay…then…

PORT ANGELES

Jessica: Does this dress make me look fat and slutty, or just slutty?

Angela: Am I quiet enough yet? The only reason Bella likes me is because I’m quiet…also tall. Adorably tall.

Bella: Yeah…you both like fine…or whatever…something like that…maybe…hey, I’m gonna go find a bookstore where I can drown my sorrows in Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Proust, and Camus, because apparently I have read every “classic” book Stephenie Meyer can think of off the top of her head, and a few more she’s Googled.

Stephenie Meyer: *frantically surfing the Web* Chaucer…Bronte…Austen…must make Bella better than everyone else…MUST MAKE BELLA BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE!

Jessica: Yeah, whatever. We’ll go eat and ditch you in this tiny, crimeless tourist trap, where the last major crime committed was jaywalking and public urination. Try not to get raped and dead, Bella.

Bella: Shpff. As if.

Gods of Irony: *roll up their sleeves and get to work*

THE TOUGH BACKLOTS OF PORT ANGELES

Bella: So no go with the hippie bookstore…I think I’ll wander around! Alone! Without a map! And no cell phone! Into the…random red-light district in the tiny crimeless tourist trap! Yeah!

The Only Rapists In The Entire Zip Code: Oh, man, looks like we got ebony-haired-chocolate-eyed-skinny on the menu tonight.

Bella: Oh my! My honor, she may be besmirched! Well, if I run I’ll fall—though, of course, any normal girl would take that fucking chance because hey, being raped is probably WORSE THAN TRIPPING AND FALLING MARGINALLY—and I can’t scream, because the fear has choked my throat! So I’ll kill them all! I will! I’ll…I’ll…remember all this random self-defense shit, though if I’m so clumsy I can’t run across a flat sidewalk I don’t know HOW I’ll be able to execute a precise and complex martial arts move…*shrugs* Bring on the eye-gouging and nose-smashing!

The Only Rapists In The Entire Zip Code: *approach menacingly*

Bella: *stands her stupid, stupid ground*

SuperVolvo: *careens in like a bat out of sparkly hell*

Edward: GET IN THE CAR. PRONTO.

Bella: *dives for the car door*

SuperVolvo: *heads right back the way it came*

The Only Rapists In The Entire Zip Code: …dude. We just got pwned by a Volvo.

INSIDE THE SUPERVOLVO

Edward: TALK ABOUT SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Bella: Boys other than you like me and it makes me angry. Angry and whiny.

Edward: Good, good, keep going…

Bella: All of these boys, man…they’re driving me nuts. Why can’t they see that I regard them as little more than eggplants capable of speech and basic motor function? God, they’re so ugly and stupid and human and all…

Edward: Okay, that’s great. Thanks.

Bella: I just wish they would die. Then I wouldn’t have to waste my time being nice to them and shit. It’s so irritating, being pleasant and polite to other people.

Edward: Bella? I’m okay, you can stop now.

Bella: And don’t even get me started on the girls around here, expecting me to pay attention to them and care about them and—

Edward: HEY I HAVE AN IDEA YOU CAN STOP TALKING NOW AND WE CAN GO HAVE DINNER TOGETHER WITHOUT YOUR FRIENDS.

Bella: *clams up*

BACK IN PORT ANGELES

Jessica: Oh my god, Bella, we were so worried! Are you okay? What hap—*sees Edward* OMG.

Edward: I beg your pardon, m’ladies, but I think I’ll have to absent Bella from your company for a little while. Would it be all right if I escorted her back to town separately tonight?

Jessica: OMG.

Angela: Yeah, sure…come on, Jessica, let’s abandon Bella because we’re good friends that way…this way to the car…

Bella: Thank you.

SOME ITALIAN RESTAURANT

Hostess: *sticks out chest* Hello, sir. *waggles booty* Is there anything *licks lips* I can do *tosses hair* for you?

Edward: Keep it on, woman. A table, please.

Hostess: Of course, sir. *leads them to a cozy booth* Your server will be right over.

Bella: She was flirting with you, but you never looked away from me. Gah, you’re wonderful.

Readers: Hey, I wonder if STEPHENIE MEYER has attention issues.

Stephenie Meyer: I dedicate this chapter of the book to my three high school boyfriends who all left me for other girls. Guys, to put it affectionately, suck it.

Waitress: *ignoring Bella* Anything for you, sir?

Edward: No, please feed my fragile, delicate butterfly over there.

Bella: Mushroom ravioli, and it better be hot.

Waitress: Well, fine, then. *mumbling as she walks away * Wonder if arsenic is traceable in ravioli…