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PRIVET DRIVE
What is Not In This Movie:
Dursleys: We hate everyone who is not us.
Wizards of
Mr. Dursley: I especially hate happy people who are not me.
Wizards of
Mr. Dursley: Oh hell no.
TV Anchor: Well, Tom, reports are coming in from all across
Christian Fundies: *are already outraged*
What is In This Movie:
Dumbledore: *kills streetlights with cigarette lighter*
Audience: What a clever little machine. I don’t suppose we’ll ever see it again, though, meaningless and trivial as it is.
People Who Have Read The Books: noobs.
McGonagall: Today I have been chased by four toddlers with sticky hands, had my tail pulled by that asshat down the street, and apparently caught fleas from the neighbors’ dog, all because you told me to sit here and stare at the Muggles to freak them out. You better give me some really juicy details about all this hullabaloo, Albus.
Dumbledore: Fine. Voldemort is dead.
McGonagall: That’s good.
Dumbledore: So are Lily and James Potter.
McGonagall: That’s bad.
Dumbledore: But their son Harry is alive!
McGonagall: That’s good.
Dumbledore: Which means he’s now a homeless orphan with a curse scar.
McGonagall: That’s bad.
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, though. I sent Hagrid to get him.
McGonagall: Albus, you utter fuckwit.
Dumbledore: Oh, Hagrid’s totally trustworthy. He hasn’t unleashed vicious monsters on the children or blown up any major architecture for several months now!
McGonagall: *faceplam*
Hagrid: ‘Allo, all! Got the little bugger, Dumbledore. Blimey, he’s teeny. Holding him in my great big clumsy arms…why, if I weren’t careful, I might accidently squish him into a fine pulp!
Dumbledore: Hagridgimmethechildnowpleaseandthankyou.
McGonagall: Wait…you’re sending him to live with these people?
Dumbledore: It’ll be good for him. Eleven odd years of misery builds character in young children!
McGonagall: But—
Dumbledore: Trust me, Minerva; I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I’m doing this. You’ll find out five or six books from now.
McGonagall: Oh, well that’s all right then. Thank god for those other books, Albus; without them, people might imagine you were just making this all up as you went along, and had no idea what the fuck you were doing when you screwed around with this boy’s life.
Dumbledore: Oh. Um, yes. Silly folk, them. *to self* Oh shit.
ELEVEN YEARS LATER
Harry: *to random strangers on the street* Please kill me.
Aunt Petunia: Stop talking to people, boy! They might be nice to you, and we’ll have to chain you to a radiator for a month just to undo the damage!
Uncle Vernon: Petunia, pipe down, it’s Dudder’s birthday! Now son, as a present, you’re allowed to eat anything in the house!
Aunt Petunia: Of course, darling, anything you want! It’s your special day…
Harry: I taste like spiders and child abuse! I’m high in carbohydrates and trans-fats! PLEASE DON’T DEVOUR ME WHOLE!
ZOO
Harry: *to snake* Wish that someone would come along with a sledgehammer and end your suffering? Yeah, I’ve been there.
Harry: By the power of all that is good and holy in this world, SMITE THAT ASSHOLE!
Glass: *disappears*
Harry: YUSS.
Snake:
PRIVET DRIVE
Uncle Vernon: GET IN THAT CUPBOARD AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL YOU’VE MADE THE TRANSITION BETWEEN ADORABLE CHILD ACTOR TO TEENAGE MOVIE STAR HEARTHROB WHO GETS NAKED WITH HORSES ON BROADWAY!
Harry: But—but—but—
Uncle Vernon: OR JUST STAY IN THERE FOR A WEEK OR SOMETHING, WHATEVER.
LATER, PRIVET DRIVE
Harry: Wow, a letter for me! I’ll just bring it into the kitchen and read it there. Uncle Vernon certainly won’t mind.
Uncle Vernon: Give me that letter and then go lick the toilet clean.
Harry: I am inexplicably surprised by this turn of events.
Letters: *continue to arrive*
Owls: *set up a youth hostel and canteen on the Durleys’ roof*
Uncle Vernon: *twitch* Thank god it’s Sunday! *twitch* Wonderful day, Sunday! *twitch* I LOVE SUNDAY SO BLOODY MUCH!
Letters: *pour in through the fireplace, mail slot, windows, sink, toilets, etc.*
Harry: *jumps up and down to catch one, creating a lovely shot that will undoubtedly be used in the movie trailer but unfortunately losing the opportunity to actually get away with a letter*
Uncle Vernon: Petunia, pack the essentials and stuff the offspring in the back. We’re leaving in two minutes or I’m going to spontaneously combust.
Aunt Petunia: *sigh* Not again…
SCARY OLD HOUSE ON SEA
Adult Dursleys: *snore*
Harry: Even the cockroaches hate me.
Cockroaches: You stole our floor and invaded our personal space, bitch!
Harry: Woops, just turned eleven. What shall I wish for? Sudden, unannounced stranger to come and take me away from this hellhole? Or an Uzi to take revenge on t hose who have tortured me for a decade? Hmmm…well, I guess I’ll wish for—
Hagrid: *enters through the door suddenly and unannounced, thus preventing another possible case of Crazed Eleven Year Old Mass Murdering* ‘Allo, Harry! Long time no see.
Dursleys: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Harry: Sir? If you wish to consume one or more of the human beings in this dwelling, I beg you to consider starting with my cousin instead of me. He’s much meatier, you see.
Hagrid: Ah, Harry, I’m not here to eat yeh! I’m here to drag yeh off ter wizard school?
Harry: Pardon?
Hagrid: Y’know! The place where they teach yeh what t’do with them there Satan-powers yeh’ve always had!
Harry: Excuse me?
Hagrid: Hogwarts.
Harry: Warts in the what now?
Hagrid: OMG NOT COOL.
Uncle Vernon: Get out! Get out, you giant freak!
Hagrid: *ties a bow in Uncle Vernon’s shotgun* You were saying?
Uncle Vernon: Make yourself at home, my good fellow.
Harry: Hey, about me being a wizard…’splain, please?
Aunt Petunia: My sister was a FREAK. Her husband was a FREAK too. Which makes you FREAK-spawn. Also, your parents were blown to bits when you were one. Happy fucking birthday.
Harry: …no more ‘splainin’, thanks.
Hagrid: Ugh. Harry, I’m beginnin’ to feel really, really bad for dumping you with these twits. If Dumbledore hadn’t insisted—
Uncle Vernon: Dumbledore! Sounds like the name of a seriously disturbed, unpleasant bastard! Definitely the kind of person I would hate!
Hagrid: My pink umbrella would like to have a word with the inside of your arse, Dursley. Would you prefer open or closed?
Hagrid: *gives
Dursleys: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Harry: Hagrid, I think I love you.
Hagrid: Eh, not so fast, Harry. There’s only one gay character in this series, it seems, and we can’t go getting those Christian groups even more riled up, can we? Give them a coronary, it would. Anyway, off we go. Say goodbye to the Dursleys.
Harry: I hope you all rot in hell for eternity.
Hagrid: That’s my boy.
LEAKY CAULDRON
Hagrid: ‘Allo, all! Just passin’ through with a friend of mine, helpin’ him get school supplies. Hey, does anyone have some aloe lotion or something? Little Harry’s CURSE SCAR is getting irritated by all this pollen in the air.
Leaky Cauldron Population: Omigod, omigod, omigod, it’s HIM.
Harry: I can’t decide whether I feel flattered or extremely violated by this show of public adoration for me. Also, Ms. Doris Crockford, I’m underage and not even a teenager yet, so PLEASE remove your hand from my behind.
Doris Crockford: FIRST TO GRAB HIS ARSE! I’M THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER GRAB HARRY POTTER’S ARSE! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCHES?
Quirrell: P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-potter!
Hagrid: This is Professor Quirrell. He’s jumpy and rather affected in the head. Nice man, though. Really rocks that turban like it’s going out of style.
Harry: Hagrid? Why does everyone know who I am?
Hagrid: Pipe down, Harry, I’m trying to remember this brick combination…ah, here it is!
Wall: *opens to reveal snowy forest and a single iron lamppost*
Hagrid: Woops. Um…you didn’t see that.
DIAGON ALLEY
People Who Have Read The Books: It’s…it’s beautiful.
People Who Haven’t Read The Book: That place looks sort of crowded and stuffy.
Gringotts: *is apparently The Crooked Bank That Jack Built*
Hagrid: Never try to rob Gringotts, Harry. They have dragons and spells and whatnot, and if the goblins catch you they chew on your spleen and kidneys until you beg for mercy. Seriously, never even think about robbing Gringotts, okay?
Harry: Okay, okay, okay. I’ll probably never have a reason to try anything like that, anyway.
J.K. Rowling: *cackle*
Hagrid: Now let’s see…expositional shot and appreciative description of Nimbus 2000, check…Gringotts sequence, complete with introduction of the Sorcerer’s Plot Point, check…ah, wand time! Here, Harry, go talk with Mr. Ollivander while I get all the rest of your school stuff.
Harry: Um, Hagrid? That guy is sort of scary. In a child molesting, “come wave my wand around” kind of way. Are you sure you don’t want to come with m—
Hagrid: See ya!
Harry: Wonderful.
Ollivander: Well, well, well…hello there, little boy. Want to do some wandwork with me?
Harry: Oh, come on. At least let me get to Hogwarts before I lose my innocence.
Ollivander: FINE, THEN. Here, try this wand.
Wand: *blows shit up*
Ollivander: Try this wand.
Wand: *blows more shit up*
Ollivander: Okay, now I can give you the good wand.
Harry: Why didn’t you just give me that one in the first pl—I LIKE THIS WAND A LOT.
Ollivander: I thought you might. Its brother was the one that exploded your house, murdered both your parents in cold blood, and split your head open.
Harry: …and that made you think I would like this one?
Ollivander: Oh, shut up.
LEAKY CAULDRON
Harry: Hagrid? It’s time for more ‘splainin’.
Hagrid: Ah, Harry, now you see, about that—
Harry: ‘SPLAININ’ NOW.
Hagrid: Fine! Okay, so there was this dude. He was bad, man. Really bad. Badder than the baddest bad man to ever bad his bad way down
Harry: Wazzat?
Hagrid: Vdglmmort.
Harry: Say what?
Hagrid: VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT!
Leaky Cauldron People: …
Hagrid: Yeah, so he basically slaughtered your parents—no one knows why—then tried to kill you—no one knows why—and when he tried to do that, he went BOOM—no one knows why. So, does that answer all your questions?
Harry: …
People Who Haven’t Read The Book: Wow, creepy. It’s okay, though, because all of these mysteries will be resolved by the end of this movie, right?
People Who Have Read The Book: *twitching* NO. NO THEY WILL NOT.
Hagrid: Good luck, Harry! See ya at Hogwarts!
Harry: But my ticket says Platform 9 ¾. Hagrid, help, I have no idea what to do, please don’t leave me completely alo—*sees that Hagrid has run away* fuck.
Mrs. Weasley: There are MUGGLES everywhere, of course, and this is annoying because we are WIZARDS, yes WIZARDS, how fun it is to be WIZARDS…
Harry: You people just became my new best friends. Seriously. For the rest of my life.
Ginny: I’m tiny, adorable, and squeaky just like the rest of the child actors in this movie! Be warned though, Harry, I’ll have matured quite a bit and will be making out with you five movies from now.
Fred and George: God we’re charming and hilarious.
Audience: WE LOVE YOU.
Fred and George: We know.
Percy: I’m pompous!
Everyone Else: OMG no way.
Harry: Um...please…nice lady…can you help me? Pleeeeeeease?
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, of course! Here, it’s Ron’s first time here too!
Ron: Enjoy any and all lines I have in this movie, because all too soon this screenwriter will cut me out of the action and relegate me to comic relief and blundering background noise.
Harry: Oh, c’mon. We’re obviously destined to be best friends forever, so why would that happen to you? Why, I ask you?
Ron: *clutching Harry desperately: I DON’T KNOW. I REALLY DON’T KNOW.
HOGWARTS EXPRESS
People Who Have Read The Books: It’s…it’s beautiful.
People Who Haven’t Read The Books: Meh.
Ron: Scar?
Harry: Yup. Poor?
Ron: Yup.
Silence: *is awkward*
Trolley Lady: Want some sweetums, dears?
Harry: Indeed we do.
Ron: But…but…I’m poor!
Harry: Boy, you rollin’ with me now, and I gots BLING.
Ron: o_0
Chocolate Frogs: *are awesome*
Scabbers: I’m a rat. Just a rat. Seriously, a boring old rat. Juuuuuuust a rat. Nothing but a rat.
Hermione: Hey, anyone seen Neville’s toad?
Audience: SHE IS SO CUTE.
Hermione: You’re Harry Potter, aren’t you? I’m Hermione Granger, and I am smart. *sees Ron* And you’re obviously poor, but I suppose I’ll have your babies in several years, so I’ll tolerate your existence for now.
Audience: SHE IS SO IRRITATING.
HOGWARTS PLATFORM
Hagrid: First years over here! Hurry up, first years, or we won’t have time to make the opening shot of Hogwarts suitably awe-aspiring!
First Years: *go boating*
Hogwarts: *appears*
People Who Have Read The Books: *in hushed tones* Thank you, Santa, for this wonderful, wonderful present.
People Who Have Not Read The Books: So when is the Wicked Witch going to fly over and skywrite “SURRENDER DOROTHY”?
INSIDE HOGWARTS
McGonagall: All you titchy little people wait here. I am going to leave just long enough that, should any of you wish to form lifelong rivalries with each other, I will not be around to interfere.
Malfoy: So, it’s true! Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts!
Audience: This boy is so cute that I will never, ever be able to take him seriously as a jerk.
Malfoy: Be careful of impoverished, inbred peasants like the Weasleys. They’ll contaminate you with their substandard vermin faster than you can say “pureblood.” Luckily, I’m here to teach you how to stomp on small rodents, stab your closest friends in the back, and eventually sell your soul for a pint of hair gel.
Audience: …that was either an amazing acting job or the birth of a genuine psycho.
Harry: Screw you, Malfoy.
Ron: Yay.
Malfoy: Grrrrrr.
Crabbe and Goyle: HEH WE ARE DUMB HEH.
THE SORTING
McGonagall: Now, all you first years will be sorted by…the Sorting Hat!
Sorting Hat: Hey diddle diddle/I’m not a fiddle/nor a flute, nor a bus, nor a tree/I’m a hat, can’t you tell?/And I’m awfully swell/As only a hat can be/I sort you into houses/you tiny little louses/and don’t bitch and whine when I choose/where you’ll spend seven years/floating up to your ears/in enmities, violence, and stews/Ravenclaw’s smart/and Hufflepuffs fart/and they all blame the smell on each other/the Slytherins suck/so I wish you good luck/and hope you’ll be in one of the others/but Gryffindor’s best/out of all of the rest/and that’s where Ms. Rowling’s decided/that Harry and Co./are destined to go/so let’s get on with this now, I’m excited!
McGonagall: Lovely, lovely. Now, I’ll call your names alphabetically, according to the Wizarding alphabet, of course. All right, first letter is G…Granger, Hermione!
Hermione: omg.
Sorting Hat: Whoo, a main character right off the bat! Gryffindor for you, then!
Gryffindors: WOOT!
McGonagall: Next letter is M…Malfoy, Draco!
Malfoy: *smarms up to the Sorting Hat*
Sorting Hat: Already established as an asshole…Slytherin!
Slytherins: Yesssssssssss…
McGonagall: Next letter is B…Bones, Susan!
Susan Bones: Hi, I’m Susan Bones. I’m one of those characters who does actually appear throughout the series, but only to the extent that I provide foils for the main characters in random situations, such as giving them time to chat while the Sorting is going o—
McGonagall: WE HAVEN’T GOT ALL DAY, GIRL, GET UP HERE!
Snape: *glowers*
Audience: Ooh, we LIKE him.
Harry: Ooch, my scar doesn’t like this guy.
McGonagall: W…W…ah, Weasley, Ron!
Ron: I’m so nervous!
Sorting Hat: Oh god, not another of you red-haired people, you breed like bunnies, don’t you? Yes, well, you’re a main character and all, and your families been here for generations, so let’s everyone be really surprised when I yell Gryffindor!
Gryffindors: WOOT!
McGonagall: After W comes P…Potter, Harry!
Students:
Harry: This…is…scary…
Sorting Hat: Really, is there any suspense here? Any at all?
Audience: Not really.
Sorting Hat: Hmmm…Slytherin, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Gryffindor…
Harry: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin…
Sorting Hat: Oh, FINE then. Gryffindor!
Gryffindors: WOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
Harry: Oh thank god.
John Cleese: I’m a ghost! Yay!
Hermione: Hey, didn’t I see you in Monty Pytho—
John Cleese: *flips his head off, exposing the bare flesh of his severed neck*
Hermione: EEEEEURGH.
John Cleese: I thought not.
Harry: Hey, who’s the Goth at the teacher’s table?
Percy: Professor Snape.
Horses: *whinny*
Percy: He’s the Potions master. And rumor has it he’s gone MAD with POWER.
Harry: What?
Percy: What?
Dumbledore: Don’t go to the third floor if you don’t want to explore the realm of PAINFUL VIOLENT DEATH.
Students: …okay then.
NIGHTTIME
Harry: *is staying up late, stroking his owl*
Audience: That sounds like a euphemism for something, but weirdly it isn’t.
HOGWARTS, DAY ONE
Ron and Harry: We’re charmingly inept students!
Hermione: You two sicken me.
McGonagall: *is witty*
Ron: *is adoring*
POTIONS
Snape: Everyone, sit down and shut up. I am going to teach you how not to be sniveling little lumps of uselessness.
Audience: YAY FOR ALAN RICKMAN!
Harry: You hate me, don’t you?
Snape: Yes, indeed I do.
Audience: GO ALAN RICKMAN!
Harry: But I’m so teeny and adorable! What did I do wrong?
Snape: You look exactly like your fuckface of a father, who I am happy is dead as a doornail.
Audience: RAH, RAH, ALAN RICKMAN!
Harry: Hey! Whose side are you on, anyway?
Audience: ALAN RICKMAN’S!
Snape: I do not think, in all honesty, that you can blame them.
Harry: *resignedly* No. No, I can’t.
QUIDDITCH
Madam Hooch: If you are awesome, your broom will obey you. If not, it will humiliate you. Have at it!
Students: UP!
Brooms: *beat them over the head*
Students: OW!
Harry: UP!
Broom: *complies*
Harry: Yeeeeees.
Neville: *is humiliated*
Madam Hooch: All you troublesome eleven year olds wait here alone! I’m following Minerva McGonagall’s example and trusting that you won’t learn to hate each other while I’m gone!
Malfoy: Hey, I think I’ll steal Neville Fatbottom’s RemembrPoint and hide it!
Harry: Give it back, bitch!
Malfoy: Queen, please. *glides off in a way that is both awesome and somewhat emasculating*
Harry: Whee! I’m a natural flier!
Audience: Of course he is.
Malfoy: *chucks Remembrall toward the forest*
Harry: *catches the Remembrall, narrowly avoiding smashing into the wall of the castle*
Audience: Buh—wah—oh, never mind, it’s probably a magic teleporting castle or something.
Harry: *descends triumphantly to the ground where he is mobbed by his admiring peers as the music swells*
The Moment: *is one of the most enjoyable moments in the entire Harry Potter film series*
McGonagall: Get your scrawny little arse over here, Potter.
Harry: *wibble*
McGonagall: *leads Harry to Quirrell’s class* May I have Wood for a moment?
Quirrell: M-m-m-m-m-minerva, I thought w-w-w-w-w-w-we agreed to be d-d-d-discreet about this r-r-r-r-r-r-relationship.
McGonagall: The PERSON, you idiot.
Quirrell: Oh. Well y-y-y-y-y-y-yes then.
Quirrell’s Iguana: *stink-eye*
Harry: That is one mean iguana.
Wood: Eh, Prrofessor, whot’s thess?
Audience: *swoons*
McGonagall: This boy has mad skizzles, Wizzles. Put him on the teamizzle as a Seekizzle.
Wood: Wha?
McGonagall: I be standin in
Wood: AH.
COURTYARD
Harry: This is so wonderful and unexpected! I can’t imagine how it all happened!
Hermione: Hereditary Quidditch moves, bitch.
Ron: Whoa, your dad was a Seeker too! If he hadn’t been brutally murdered, he’d be so proud of you!
Harry: …*tear*
HOGWARTS
Staircase: *decides to fuck with three adorable eleven-year-olds*
Harry: Where are we?
Hermione: Third floor corridor, moron.
Ron: Oh hell no.
Mrs. Norris: Mew.
Kids: AAAAAAAH! RUN AWAY! *flee*
Mrs. Norris: *threateningly* Mew.
Kids: *find a door and hide*
Harry: That was close.
Ron: Yeah, we got lucky.
Hermione: …
Harry: Aren’t you going to insult us for our meager intelligence and correct our speech?
Hermione: …
Ron: What’s wrong with her?
Hermione: Doggy…big…three…doggy…
Fluffy: Arf. (translation: Hello, new friends!)
Kids: AAAAAAAAH! RUN AWAY AGAIN! *head for the hills*
Fluffy: Woof woof! (translation: Come back! If let alone, I will be left with nothing to do but chase my tail! I shall go MAD! MAD, I TELL YOU!)
DORMITORIES
Ron: That dog is not nice. I do not want to go back there. Ever.
Harry: God, I know. Random-ass devil dog, lurking in a school…what are they thinking?
Hermione: Don’t you use your eyes? The dog was standing on a trapdoor! It’s guarding something!
Harry: You are actually claiming that you managed not only to look away from those three vicious Rottweiler heads that were slavering with the desire to chomp us all into tiny bits, but also to absorb information about what it was standing on?
Hermione: Ugh. Boys. Good night.
Ron: She’s sexy when she’s all huffy and superior…I mean, god, what a bitchy little chick right there.
QUIDDITCH
Wood: Quaffle, Chasers, Bludgers, Beaters, Keepers, etc. Basically, none of it matters because whoever catches the Snitch wins the game. Since you’re the person who’ll be catching the Snitch, Harry…well, what I guess I’m trying to say is, it’s all about you, Harry Potter.
Harry: I have a curious feeling that this will be a recurring theme throughout my life.
CHARMS
Flitwick: Swish and flick! Swish and flick! Swish and flick! Swish and fl—
Students: GOT IT, THANKS.
Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!
Hermione: You utter plebeian, it’s Wingardium Levioooosa, not Leviosaaaaa or Leviiiiiiiosa or any number of ridiculous versions you would surely have attempted.
Ron: I hate you so very, very much.
Hermione: Talk to the feather.
Seamus: *blows the feather up*
Harry: …how did you even do that?
Seamus: Blowing shit up is going to be my shtick for the entirety of these movies, isn’t it?
AFTER CHARMS
Ron: Hermione is annoying and ugly and nobody likes her and now I shall mock her. Openly. Publicly. Without restraint.
Hermione: *tear*
Ron: Isn’t it ironic that I’ll spend the next six books trying to beat people up because they say pretty much everything I’m saying right now?
Harry: Yeah, well, I heard you guys end up married and doing the sex and all, so it’s probably okay.
Ron: Really? Cool! ...Hey, Harry, what’s “the sex”?
Harry: I dunno. Some kind of folk dance, perhaps?
HALLOWEEN
Neville: Hermione is crying in the bathroom because you, Ron, are a dickwad.
Ron: *cringe*
Quirrell: THAR B TROLL IN TEH DUNGEON!!!!11!1!1!!
Everyone Else: …
Quirrell: OH NOES!
Students: PANIIIIIIIIC!
Dumbledore: Simon says SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Students: …
Dumbledore: Kids, into bed. Teachers, follow me. Filch, scrape Professor Quirrell off the ground, that’s a good chap.
Harry: Ron? Remember when you were a dickwad?
Ron: Yeah?
Harry: Well, your dickwaddery may spontaneously result in the violent, horrific death of Hermione Granger.
Ron: In other words?
Harry: Let’s try to prevent that.
Troll: The tears of prepubescent girls smell delicious! INTO THE BATHROOM!
Hermione: *sniffle*
Troll: Hello, tasty human.
Hermione: …this is not good.
Troll: *stallSMASH*
Harry: Run, Hermione!
Hermione: In case you haven’t noticed, Harry, I am too busy being buried in debris to run! Jeez!
Harry: *facepalm*
Troll: What, there are more of them? They’re coming out of the fucking woodwork!
Harry: *hitches a ride on the Troll Noggin Express*
Ron: Oh man, if only the movie people would allow me to perform one spell successfully instead of turning all my attempts into misguided comic relief, I could potentially save the day!
Harry and Hermione: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST LET THE BOY HAVE HIS MOMENT!
Movie People: But…but…nooooooo…
Harry: I’M ABOUT TO DIE, YOU ASSHOLES! I’M THE FRAKKING HERO! IF I DIE, THERE WILL BE NO MORE MOVIES AND NO MORE OPENING DAY GROSSES!
Movie People: Fine.
Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!
Club: *trollSMASH*
Troll: *is out for the count*
Obligatory Booger Joke: *is made*
Teachers: *rush in*
McGonagall: EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.
Harry: Um…well…uh…ALIENS.
Ron: Er…ah…you see…ALIENS.
McGonagall: O RLY?
Hermione: They tried to save me, because I was such a huge know-it-all that I thought I could take the troll out myself.
McGonagall: Hermione Granger, you absolute moron. Five points from Gryffindor!
Harry and Ron: Boooooo!
McGonagall: And for you two…five points to Gryffindor each!
Harry and Ron: Yaaaaaay!
Snape’s Leg: *is bloody*
Harry: *stares*
Snape: Now, now, Potter, I know I’m Alan Rickman and all—
Audience: WOOT ALAN RICKMAN!
Snape: —but staring like that is both creepy and against the rules. Fifty points from Gryffindor.
Teachers: *leave*
Hermione: Um…thanks for saving my life, guys.
Harry: Uh, sure, no problem.
Ron: Yeah, it was nothing…
Kids: *blush and stare at the ground*
Harry: Wanna be best friends for life?
Hermione: Oh, what the hell, why not.
Ron: Count me in!
The Most Famous Literary Trio of The 21st Century: *is born*
BREAKFAST
Hermione: Don’t worry, Harry! You’ll be great at Quidditch! Which is a sport played on brooms!
Ron: Yeah, you’ll do great…despite that fact that you…don’t…have…a broom?
Harry: Eh. Dues Ex McGonachina has never failed me yet.
Long, Broomstick Shaped Package: *arrives*
Harry: Whatever could it be?
Nimbus 2000: *is shiny*
Kids: Oooooooh.
QUIDDITCH
The Game: *makes use of some rather clumsy CGI and motion shots, but overall is sort of epic*
Students: *are all adorable in their little scarves and hats and the like*
Harry’s Broom: *goes apeshit*
Harry: Oh dear.
Hermione: Oh sweet holy Jesus, Snape is jinxing Harry’s broom!
Ron: DO SOMETHING, WOMAN!
Hermione: *fulfills every pyromaniac’s dream of setting their mortal enemies on fire*
Snape: Whoa, I feel hot…omg, FIRE DOWN BELOW!
McGonagall: Please, Professor Snape, there are children listening!
Snape: NO, SERIOUSLY, FIRE!
Quirrell: *is surreptitiously knocked over by the ensuing commotion*
Harry’s Broom: *is tamed*
Harry: *swallows the Snitch*
Gryffindors: Woohoo!
Slytherins: Boooooo!
People Who Have Read The Book: Yeah, Harry, don’t say goodbye to that Snitch so quick, it’ll be coming back for you.
People Who Have Not Read The Books: Can we please make the obligatory spit-or-swallow jokes here? Please?
omg this is so funny :) Good job!
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