Aching

I would do absolutely anything in this world to hear my father talk to me the way he did when I was little.

This is why I don't watch baby videos. Because I see how my family used to be, even before my sister came along: my mother was so beautiful, and my father's voice is so happy. He never talks like that now. He's never happy like that anymore. I want to hear him speak that way again so badly, it's literally an ache in my chest and arms.

We were never the perfect family. My parents had a rocky marriage right from the beginning, and neither of them are saints. But when I watch the videos of me as a tiny baby, splashing around in the bath and bouncing in my bouncy-chair, I can see how happy that made them. How happy I made them. They may not have been the world's best people, but they loved me so completely, and they were wonderful parents. Now everything is different. Everything is totally different. They still love me, but they don't love each other. And they don't love me in the same way.

My parents love me just as strongly now as they did when I was a baby. I know that. But I'm not tiny and adorable anymore. Today, my mother launched into a five-minute tirade about some problems she's having with a friend. She told me she "wanted my wisdom." I love that my mother and I have such a great relationship. With her, I can be a grown up or a little kid. I can be weak and angry, strong and purposeful, and everything else in between. She still calls me names like "honey" and "bunny." I love my mother.

I love my father. But I don't feel like "daddy's little girl" anymore. He never calls me anything other than "Es", "Esther", or maybe "Jojo" if he's in a hurry. He used to have all sorts of names for me, and the way he said them...I can't describe it, but it made me feel so safe, so cared about. It made me feel like I was special because my dad loved me. And the tone in his voice as he talks to Baby!Me is the best part. He is absolutely happy. I made him happy. I can't do that anymore.

I want that so badly. I want to be able to talk to my dad like he's my dad again, instead having all this distance and pressure and unspoken stuff between us. I don't know how to explain what's changed. Part of it is age; I want to be younger and older at the same time, and he wants me to be younger. In trying to treat me like an adult, he treats me like I'm a friend or a cousin. Not a daughter. I want to be treated like a daughter. I am a daughter. I'm his daughter. And I love him so much, and I miss him so much.

I want to be the adorable baby who makes the crazy cackling noise. I want to jump around in my crib and play with my busybox and throw my sunglasses on the ground. I want my daddy to carry me around in the backpack, and I want my mommy to dry me off with my puppy towel when I'm done with my bath. Most of all, I want to have grown up into the person that little baby deserved to be. And right now, I don't think I have.

I miss my father. I miss being able to touch him like a dad, and speak to him like a dad, and lean on him like a dad. Just once, I want to be the center of his universe again. And I know how selfish that sounds, and right now I don't care.

I would do anything, give anything, and be anything if I could just hear him call me "his girl" one more time.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Parody: In Progress

YES, I have no life. We have established this.
------------------------------------------------------------

PRIVET DRIVE

What is Not In This Movie:

Dursleys: We hate everyone who is not us.

Wizards of England: WOOT HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED GOT SPLODED! WOOOOOOOT!

Mr. Dursley: I especially hate happy people who are not me.

Wizards of England: mumblemumblePOTTERSbrumblebrumbleHARRYfumblefumbleFAMOUSHEROES…

Mr. Dursley: Oh hell no.

TV Anchor: Well, Tom, reports are coming in from all across Britain of owls descending from the sky like God’s wrath in avian form. Also, unexplained fireworks are appearing out of nowhere, plagues of locusts have arrived and Christ has possibly risen again.

Christian Fundies: *are already outraged*

What is In This Movie:

Dumbledore: *kills streetlights with cigarette lighter*

Audience: What a clever little machine. I don’t suppose we’ll ever see it again, though, meaningless and trivial as it is.

People Who Have Read The Books: noobs.

McGonagall: Today I have been chased by four toddlers with sticky hands, had my tail pulled by that asshat down the street, and apparently caught fleas from the neighbors’ dog, all because you told me to sit here and stare at the Muggles to freak them out. You better give me some really juicy details about all this hullabaloo, Albus.

Dumbledore: Fine. Voldemort is dead.

McGonagall: That’s good.

Dumbledore: So are Lily and James Potter.

McGonagall: That’s bad.

Dumbledore: But their son Harry is alive!

McGonagall: That’s good.

Dumbledore: Which means he’s now a homeless orphan with a curse scar.

McGonagall: That’s bad.

Dumbledore: Don’t worry, though. I sent Hagrid to get him.

McGonagall: Albus, you utter fuckwit.

Dumbledore: Oh, Hagrid’s totally trustworthy. He hasn’t unleashed vicious monsters on the children or blown up any major architecture for several months now!

McGonagall: *faceplam*

Hagrid: ‘Allo, all! Got the little bugger, Dumbledore. Blimey, he’s teeny. Holding him in my great big clumsy arms…why, if I weren’t careful, I might accidently squish him into a fine pulp!

Dumbledore: Hagridgimmethechildnowpleaseandthankyou.

McGonagall: Wait…you’re sending him to live with these people?

Dumbledore: It’ll be good for him. Eleven odd years of misery builds character in young children!

McGonagall: But—

Dumbledore: Trust me, Minerva; I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why I’m doing this. You’ll find out five or six books from now.

McGonagall: Oh, well that’s all right then. Thank god for those other books, Albus; without them, people might imagine you were just making this all up as you went along, and had no idea what the fuck you were doing when you screwed around with this boy’s life.

Dumbledore: Oh. Um, yes. Silly folk, them. *to self* Oh shit.

ELEVEN YEARS LATER

Harry: *to random strangers on the street* Please kill me.

Aunt Petunia: Stop talking to people, boy! They might be nice to you, and we’ll have to chain you to a radiator for a month just to undo the damage!

Uncle Vernon: Petunia, pipe down, it’s Dudder’s birthday! Now son, as a present, you’re allowed to eat anything in the house!

Dudley: Anything?

Aunt Petunia: Of course, darling, anything you want! It’s your special day…

Dudley: *eyeing Harry* Hmmm…

Harry: I taste like spiders and child abuse! I’m high in carbohydrates and trans-fats! PLEASE DON’T DEVOUR ME WHOLE!

Dudley: Eh. Too stringy. Mum, Dad, can we go to the zoo? I fancy some blue whale fillet.

ZOO

Harry: *to snake* Wish that someone would come along with a sledgehammer and end your suffering? Yeah, I’ve been there.

Dudley: *throws Harry to the ground and spits on him* MY SNAKE NOT YOURS!

Harry: By the power of all that is good and holy in this world, SMITE THAT ASSHOLE!

Glass: *disappears*

Harry: YUSS.

Dudley: *is now on display as the zoo’s first specimen of spoiledus dumbfuckius.

Snake: Brazil ho!

PRIVET DRIVE

Uncle Vernon: GET IN THAT CUPBOARD AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL YOU’VE MADE THE TRANSITION BETWEEN ADORABLE CHILD ACTOR TO TEENAGE MOVIE STAR HEARTHROB WHO GETS NAKED WITH HORSES ON BROADWAY!

Harry: But—but—but—

Uncle Vernon: OR JUST STAY IN THERE FOR A WEEK OR SOMETHING, WHATEVER.

LATER, PRIVET DRIVE

Harry: Wow, a letter for me! I’ll just bring it into the kitchen and read it there. Uncle Vernon certainly won’t mind.

Uncle Vernon: Give me that letter and then go lick the toilet clean.

Harry: I am inexplicably surprised by this turn of events.

Letters: *continue to arrive*

Owls: *set up a youth hostel and canteen on the Durleys’ roof*

Uncle Vernon: *twitch* Thank god it’s Sunday! *twitch* Wonderful day, Sunday! *twitch* I LOVE SUNDAY SO BLOODY MUCH!

Letters: *pour in through the fireplace, mail slot, windows, sink, toilets, etc.*

Harry: *jumps up and down to catch one, creating a lovely shot that will undoubtedly be used in the movie trailer but unfortunately losing the opportunity to actually get away with a letter*

Uncle Vernon: Petunia, pack the essentials and stuff the offspring in the back. We’re leaving in two minutes or I’m going to spontaneously combust.

Aunt Petunia: *sigh* Not again…

SCARY OLD HOUSE ON SEA

Adult Dursleys: *snore*

Dudley: *snore*

Harry: Even the cockroaches hate me.

Cockroaches: You stole our floor and invaded our personal space, bitch!

Harry: Woops, just turned eleven. What shall I wish for? Sudden, unannounced stranger to come and take me away from this hellhole? Or an Uzi to take revenge on t hose who have tortured me for a decade? Hmmm…well, I guess I’ll wish for—

Hagrid: *enters through the door suddenly and unannounced, thus preventing another possible case of Crazed Eleven Year Old Mass Murdering* ‘Allo, Harry! Long time no see.

Dursleys: WAAAAAAAAAH!

Harry: Sir? If you wish to consume one or more of the human beings in this dwelling, I beg you to consider starting with my cousin instead of me. He’s much meatier, you see.

Hagrid: Ah, Harry, I’m not here to eat yeh! I’m here to drag yeh off ter wizard school?

Harry: Pardon?

Hagrid: Y’know! The place where they teach yeh what t’do with them there Satan-powers yeh’ve always had!

Harry: Excuse me?

Hagrid: Hogwarts.

Harry: Warts in the what now?

Hagrid: OMG NOT COOL.

Uncle Vernon: Get out! Get out, you giant freak!

Hagrid: *ties a bow in Uncle Vernon’s shotgun* You were saying?

Uncle Vernon: Make yourself at home, my good fellow.

Harry: Hey, about me being a wizard…’splain, please?

Aunt Petunia: My sister was a FREAK. Her husband was a FREAK too. Which makes you FREAK-spawn. Also, your parents were blown to bits when you were one. Happy fucking birthday.

Harry: …no more ‘splainin’, thanks.

Hagrid: Ugh. Harry, I’m beginnin’ to feel really, really bad for dumping you with these twits. If Dumbledore hadn’t insisted—

Uncle Vernon: Dumbledore! Sounds like the name of a seriously disturbed, unpleasant bastard! Definitely the kind of person I would hate!

Hagrid: My pink umbrella would like to have a word with the inside of your arse, Dursley. Would you prefer open or closed?

Dudley: *cake-snarf*

Hagrid: *gives Dudley a pig tail*

Dursleys: WAAAAAAAAAH!

Harry: Hagrid, I think I love you.

Hagrid: Eh, not so fast, Harry. There’s only one gay character in this series, it seems, and we can’t go getting those Christian groups even more riled up, can we? Give them a coronary, it would. Anyway, off we go. Say goodbye to the Dursleys.

Harry: I hope you all rot in hell for eternity.

Hagrid: That’s my boy.

LEAKY CAULDRON

Hagrid: ‘Allo, all! Just passin’ through with a friend of mine, helpin’ him get school supplies. Hey, does anyone have some aloe lotion or something? Little Harry’s CURSE SCAR is getting irritated by all this pollen in the air.

Leaky Cauldron Population: Omigod, omigod, omigod, it’s HIM.

Harry: I can’t decide whether I feel flattered or extremely violated by this show of public adoration for me. Also, Ms. Doris Crockford, I’m underage and not even a teenager yet, so PLEASE remove your hand from my behind.

Doris Crockford: FIRST TO GRAB HIS ARSE! I’M THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER GRAB HARRY POTTER’S ARSE! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCHES?

Quirrell: P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-potter!

Hagrid: This is Professor Quirrell. He’s jumpy and rather affected in the head. Nice man, though. Really rocks that turban like it’s going out of style.

Harry: Hagrid? Why does everyone know who I am?

Hagrid: Pipe down, Harry, I’m trying to remember this brick combination…ah, here it is!

Wall: *opens to reveal snowy forest and a single iron lamppost*

Hagrid: Woops. Um…you didn’t see that.

DIAGON ALLEY

People Who Have Read The Books: It’s…it’s beautiful.

People Who Haven’t Read The Book: That place looks sort of crowded and stuffy.

Gringotts: *is apparently The Crooked Bank That Jack Built*

Hagrid: Never try to rob Gringotts, Harry. They have dragons and spells and whatnot, and if the goblins catch you they chew on your spleen and kidneys until you beg for mercy. Seriously, never even think about robbing Gringotts, okay?

Harry: Okay, okay, okay. I’ll probably never have a reason to try anything like that, anyway.

J.K. Rowling: *cackle*

Hagrid: Now let’s see…expositional shot and appreciative description of Nimbus 2000, check…Gringotts sequence, complete with introduction of the Sorcerer’s Plot Point, check…ah, wand time! Here, Harry, go talk with Mr. Ollivander while I get all the rest of your school stuff.

Harry: Um, Hagrid? That guy is sort of scary. In a child molesting, “come wave my wand around” kind of way. Are you sure you don’t want to come with m—

Hagrid: See ya!

Harry: Wonderful.

Ollivander: Well, well, well…hello there, little boy. Want to do some wandwork with me?

Harry: Oh, come on. At least let me get to Hogwarts before I lose my innocence.

Ollivander: FINE, THEN. Here, try this wand.

Wand: *blows shit up*

Ollivander: Try this wand.

Wand: *blows more shit up*

Ollivander: Okay, now I can give you the good wand.

Harry: Why didn’t you just give me that one in the first pl—I LIKE THIS WAND A LOT.

Ollivander: I thought you might. Its brother was the one that exploded your house, murdered both your parents in cold blood, and split your head open.

Harry: …and that made you think I would like this one?

Ollivander: Oh, shut up.

LEAKY CAULDRON

Harry: Hagrid? It’s time for more ‘splainin’.

Hagrid: Ah, Harry, now you see, about that—

Harry: ‘SPLAININ’ NOW.

Hagrid: Fine! Okay, so there was this dude. He was bad, man. Really bad. Badder than the baddest bad man to ever bad his bad way down Bad Boulevard. And his name was…was…vldgmrot.

Harry: Wazzat?

Hagrid: Vdglmmort.

Harry: Say what?

Hagrid: VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT!

Leaky Cauldron People: …

Hagrid: Yeah, so he basically slaughtered your parents—no one knows why—then tried to kill you—no one knows why—and when he tried to do that, he went BOOM—no one knows why. So, does that answer all your questions?

Harry: …

People Who Haven’t Read The Book: Wow, creepy. It’s okay, though, because all of these mysteries will be resolved by the end of this movie, right?

People Who Have Read The Book: *twitching* NO. NO THEY WILL NOT.

LONDON TRAIN STATION

Hagrid: Good luck, Harry! See ya at Hogwarts!

Harry: But my ticket says Platform 9 ¾. Hagrid, help, I have no idea what to do, please don’t leave me completely alo—*sees that Hagrid has run away* fuck.

Mrs. Weasley: There are MUGGLES everywhere, of course, and this is annoying because we are WIZARDS, yes WIZARDS, how fun it is to be WIZARDS…

Harry: You people just became my new best friends. Seriously. For the rest of my life.

Ginny: I’m tiny, adorable, and squeaky just like the rest of the child actors in this movie! Be warned though, Harry, I’ll have matured quite a bit and will be making out with you five movies from now.

Fred and George: God we’re charming and hilarious.

Audience: WE LOVE YOU.

Fred and George: We know.

Percy: I’m pompous!

Everyone Else: OMG no way.

Harry: Um...please…nice lady…can you help me? Pleeeeeeease?

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, of course! Here, it’s Ron’s first time here too!

Ron: Enjoy any and all lines I have in this movie, because all too soon this screenwriter will cut me out of the action and relegate me to comic relief and blundering background noise.

Harry: Oh, c’mon. We’re obviously destined to be best friends forever, so why would that happen to you? Why, I ask you?

Ron: *clutching Harry desperately: I DON’T KNOW. I REALLY DON’T KNOW.

HOGWARTS EXPRESS

People Who Have Read The Books: It’s…it’s beautiful.

People Who Haven’t Read The Books: Meh.

Ron: Scar?

Harry: Yup. Poor?

Ron: Yup.

Silence: *is awkward*

Trolley Lady: Want some sweetums, dears?

Harry: Indeed we do.

Ron: But…but…I’m poor!

Harry: Boy, you rollin’ with me now, and I gots BLING.

Ron: o_0

Chocolate Frogs: *are awesome*

Scabbers: I’m a rat. Just a rat. Seriously, a boring old rat. Juuuuuuust a rat. Nothing but a rat.

Hermione: Hey, anyone seen Neville’s toad?

Audience: SHE IS SO CUTE.

Hermione: You’re Harry Potter, aren’t you? I’m Hermione Granger, and I am smart. *sees Ron* And you’re obviously poor, but I suppose I’ll have your babies in several years, so I’ll tolerate your existence for now.

Audience: SHE IS SO IRRITATING.

HOGWARTS PLATFORM

Hagrid: First years over here! Hurry up, first years, or we won’t have time to make the opening shot of Hogwarts suitably awe-aspiring!

First Years: *go boating*

Hogwarts: *appears*

People Who Have Read The Books: *in hushed tones* Thank you, Santa, for this wonderful, wonderful present.

People Who Have Not Read The Books: So when is the Wicked Witch going to fly over and skywrite “SURRENDER DOROTHY”?

INSIDE HOGWARTS

McGonagall: All you titchy little people wait here. I am going to leave just long enough that, should any of you wish to form lifelong rivalries with each other, I will not be around to interfere.

Malfoy: So, it’s true! Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts!

Audience: This boy is so cute that I will never, ever be able to take him seriously as a jerk.

Malfoy: Be careful of impoverished, inbred peasants like the Weasleys. They’ll contaminate you with their substandard vermin faster than you can say “pureblood.” Luckily, I’m here to teach you how to stomp on small rodents, stab your closest friends in the back, and eventually sell your soul for a pint of hair gel.

Audience: …that was either an amazing acting job or the birth of a genuine psycho.

Harry: Screw you, Malfoy.

Ron: Yay.

Malfoy: Grrrrrr.

Crabbe and Goyle: HEH WE ARE DUMB HEH.

THE SORTING

McGonagall: Now, all you first years will be sorted by…the Sorting Hat!

Sorting Hat: Hey diddle diddle/I’m not a fiddle/nor a flute, nor a bus, nor a tree/I’m a hat, can’t you tell?/And I’m awfully swell/As only a hat can be/I sort you into houses/you tiny little louses/and don’t bitch and whine when I choose/where you’ll spend seven years/floating up to your ears/in enmities, violence, and stews/Ravenclaw’s smart/and Hufflepuffs fart/and they all blame the smell on each other/the Slytherins suck/so I wish you good luck/and hope you’ll be in one of the others/but Gryffindor’s best/out of all of the rest/and that’s where Ms. Rowling’s decided/that Harry and Co./are destined to go/so let’s get on with this now, I’m excited!

McGonagall: Lovely, lovely. Now, I’ll call your names alphabetically, according to the Wizarding alphabet, of course. All right, first letter is G…Granger, Hermione!

Hermione: omg.

Sorting Hat: Whoo, a main character right off the bat! Gryffindor for you, then!

Gryffindors: WOOT!

McGonagall: Next letter is M…Malfoy, Draco!

Malfoy: *smarms up to the Sorting Hat*

Sorting Hat: Already established as an asshole…Slytherin!

Slytherins: Yesssssssssss…

McGonagall: Next letter is B…Bones, Susan!

Susan Bones: Hi, I’m Susan Bones. I’m one of those characters who does actually appear throughout the series, but only to the extent that I provide foils for the main characters in random situations, such as giving them time to chat while the Sorting is going o—

McGonagall: WE HAVEN’T GOT ALL DAY, GIRL, GET UP HERE!

Snape: *glowers*

Audience: Ooh, we LIKE him.

Harry: Ooch, my scar doesn’t like this guy.

McGonagall: W…W…ah, Weasley, Ron!

Ron: I’m so nervous!

Sorting Hat: Oh god, not another of you red-haired people, you breed like bunnies, don’t you? Yes, well, you’re a main character and all, and your families been here for generations, so let’s everyone be really surprised when I yell Gryffindor!

Gryffindors: WOOT!

McGonagall: After W comes P…Potter, Harry!

Students: OMG NO WAY.

Harry: This…is…scary…

Sorting Hat: Really, is there any suspense here? Any at all?

Audience: Not really.

Sorting Hat: Hmmm…Slytherin, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Gryffindor…

Harry: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin…

Sorting Hat: Oh, FINE then. Gryffindor!

Gryffindors: WOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Harry: Oh thank god.

John Cleese: I’m a ghost! Yay!

Hermione: Hey, didn’t I see you in Monty Pytho—

John Cleese: *flips his head off, exposing the bare flesh of his severed neck*

Hermione: EEEEEURGH.

John Cleese: I thought not.

Harry: Hey, who’s the Goth at the teacher’s table?

Percy: Professor Snape.

Horses: *whinny*

Percy: He’s the Potions master. And rumor has it he’s gone MAD with POWER.

Harry: What?

Percy: What?

Dumbledore: Don’t go to the third floor if you don’t want to explore the realm of PAINFUL VIOLENT DEATH.

Students: …okay then.

NIGHTTIME

Harry: *is staying up late, stroking his owl*

Audience: That sounds like a euphemism for something, but weirdly it isn’t.

HOGWARTS, DAY ONE

Ron and Harry: We’re charmingly inept students!

Hermione: You two sicken me.

McGonagall: *is witty*

Ron: *is adoring*

POTIONS

Snape: Everyone, sit down and shut up. I am going to teach you how not to be sniveling little lumps of uselessness.

Audience: YAY FOR ALAN RICKMAN!

Harry: You hate me, don’t you?

Snape: Yes, indeed I do.

Audience: GO ALAN RICKMAN!

Harry: But I’m so teeny and adorable! What did I do wrong?

Snape: You look exactly like your fuckface of a father, who I am happy is dead as a doornail.

Audience: RAH, RAH, ALAN RICKMAN!

Harry: Hey! Whose side are you on, anyway?

Audience: ALAN RICKMAN’S!

Snape: I do not think, in all honesty, that you can blame them.

Harry: *resignedly* No. No, I can’t.

QUIDDITCH

Madam Hooch: If you are awesome, your broom will obey you. If not, it will humiliate you. Have at it!

Students: UP!

Brooms: *beat them over the head*

Students: OW!

Harry: UP!

Broom: *complies*

Harry: Yeeeeees.

Neville: *is humiliated*

Madam Hooch: All you troublesome eleven year olds wait here alone! I’m following Minerva McGonagall’s example and trusting that you won’t learn to hate each other while I’m gone!

Malfoy: Hey, I think I’ll steal Neville Fatbottom’s RemembrPoint and hide it!

Harry: Give it back, bitch!

Malfoy: Queen, please. *glides off in a way that is both awesome and somewhat emasculating*

Harry: Whee! I’m a natural flier!

Audience: Of course he is.

Malfoy: *chucks Remembrall toward the forest*

Harry: *catches the Remembrall, narrowly avoiding smashing into the wall of the castle*

Audience: Buh—wah—oh, never mind, it’s probably a magic teleporting castle or something.

Harry: *descends triumphantly to the ground where he is mobbed by his admiring peers as the music swells*

The Moment: *is one of the most enjoyable moments in the entire Harry Potter film series*

McGonagall: Get your scrawny little arse over here, Potter.

Harry: *wibble*

McGonagall: *leads Harry to Quirrell’s class* May I have Wood for a moment?

Quirrell: M-m-m-m-m-minerva, I thought w-w-w-w-w-w-we agreed to be d-d-d-discreet about this r-r-r-r-r-r-relationship.

McGonagall: The PERSON, you idiot.

Quirrell: Oh. Well y-y-y-y-y-y-yes then.

Quirrell’s Iguana: *stink-eye*

Harry: That is one mean iguana.

Wood: Eh, Prrofessor, whot’s thess?

Audience: *swoons*

McGonagall: This boy has mad skizzles, Wizzles. Put him on the teamizzle as a Seekizzle.

Wood: Wha?

McGonagall: I be standin in ur school, givin u a Seekr.

Wood: AH.

COURTYARD

Harry: This is so wonderful and unexpected! I can’t imagine how it all happened!

Hermione: Hereditary Quidditch moves, bitch.

Ron: Whoa, your dad was a Seeker too! If he hadn’t been brutally murdered, he’d be so proud of you!

Harry: …*tear*

HOGWARTS

Staircase: *decides to fuck with three adorable eleven-year-olds*

Harry: Where are we?

Hermione: Third floor corridor, moron.

Ron: Oh hell no.

Mrs. Norris: Mew.

Kids: AAAAAAAH! RUN AWAY! *flee*

Mrs. Norris: *threateningly* Mew.

Kids: *find a door and hide*

Harry: That was close.

Ron: Yeah, we got lucky.

Hermione: …

Harry: Aren’t you going to insult us for our meager intelligence and correct our speech?

Hermione: …

Ron: What’s wrong with her?

Hermione: Doggy…big…three…doggy…

Fluffy: Arf. (translation: Hello, new friends!)

Kids: AAAAAAAAH! RUN AWAY AGAIN! *head for the hills*

Fluffy: Woof woof! (translation: Come back! If let alone, I will be left with nothing to do but chase my tail! I shall go MAD! MAD, I TELL YOU!)

DORMITORIES

Ron: That dog is not nice. I do not want to go back there. Ever.

Harry: God, I know. Random-ass devil dog, lurking in a school…what are they thinking?

Hermione: Don’t you use your eyes? The dog was standing on a trapdoor! It’s guarding something!

Harry: You are actually claiming that you managed not only to look away from those three vicious Rottweiler heads that were slavering with the desire to chomp us all into tiny bits, but also to absorb information about what it was standing on?

Hermione: Ugh. Boys. Good night.

Ron: She’s sexy when she’s all huffy and superior…I mean, god, what a bitchy little chick right there.

QUIDDITCH

Wood: Quaffle, Chasers, Bludgers, Beaters, Keepers, etc. Basically, none of it matters because whoever catches the Snitch wins the game. Since you’re the person who’ll be catching the Snitch, Harry…well, what I guess I’m trying to say is, it’s all about you, Harry Potter.

Harry: I have a curious feeling that this will be a recurring theme throughout my life.

CHARMS

Flitwick: Swish and flick! Swish and flick! Swish and flick! Swish and fl—

Students: GOT IT, THANKS.

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Hermione: You utter plebeian, it’s Wingardium Levioooosa, not Leviosaaaaa or Leviiiiiiiosa or any number of ridiculous versions you would surely have attempted.

Ron: I hate you so very, very much.

Hermione: Talk to the feather.

Seamus: *blows the feather up*

Harry: …how did you even do that?

Seamus: Blowing shit up is going to be my shtick for the entirety of these movies, isn’t it?

AFTER CHARMS

Ron: Hermione is annoying and ugly and nobody likes her and now I shall mock her. Openly. Publicly. Without restraint.

Hermione: *tear*

Ron: Isn’t it ironic that I’ll spend the next six books trying to beat people up because they say pretty much everything I’m saying right now?

Harry: Yeah, well, I heard you guys end up married and doing the sex and all, so it’s probably okay.

Ron: Really? Cool! ...Hey, Harry, what’s “the sex”?

Harry: I dunno. Some kind of folk dance, perhaps?

HALLOWEEN

Neville: Hermione is crying in the bathroom because you, Ron, are a dickwad.

Ron: *cringe*

Quirrell: THAR B TROLL IN TEH DUNGEON!!!!11!1!1!!

Everyone Else: …

Quirrell: OH NOES!

Students: PANIIIIIIIIC!

Dumbledore: Simon says SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Students: …

Dumbledore: Kids, into bed. Teachers, follow me. Filch, scrape Professor Quirrell off the ground, that’s a good chap.

Harry: Ron? Remember when you were a dickwad?

Ron: Yeah?

Harry: Well, your dickwaddery may spontaneously result in the violent, horrific death of Hermione Granger.

Ron: In other words?

Harry: Let’s try to prevent that.

Troll: The tears of prepubescent girls smell delicious! INTO THE BATHROOM!

Hermione: *sniffle*

Troll: Hello, tasty human.

Hermione: …this is not good.

Troll: *stallSMASH*

Harry: Run, Hermione!

Hermione: In case you haven’t noticed, Harry, I am too busy being buried in debris to run! Jeez!

Harry: *facepalm*

Troll: What, there are more of them? They’re coming out of the fucking woodwork!

Harry: *hitches a ride on the Troll Noggin Express*

Ron: Oh man, if only the movie people would allow me to perform one spell successfully instead of turning all my attempts into misguided comic relief, I could potentially save the day!

Harry and Hermione: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST LET THE BOY HAVE HIS MOMENT!

Movie People: But…but…nooooooo…

Harry: I’M ABOUT TO DIE, YOU ASSHOLES! I’M THE FRAKKING HERO! IF I DIE, THERE WILL BE NO MORE MOVIES AND NO MORE OPENING DAY GROSSES!

Movie People: Fine.

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Club: *trollSMASH*

Troll: *is out for the count*

Obligatory Booger Joke: *is made*

Teachers: *rush in*

McGonagall: EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.

Harry: Um…well…uh…ALIENS.

Ron: Er…ah…you see…ALIENS.

McGonagall: O RLY?

Hermione: They tried to save me, because I was such a huge know-it-all that I thought I could take the troll out myself.

McGonagall: Hermione Granger, you absolute moron. Five points from Gryffindor!

Harry and Ron: Boooooo!

McGonagall: And for you two…five points to Gryffindor each!

Harry and Ron: Yaaaaaay!

Snape’s Leg: *is bloody*

Harry: *stares*

Snape: Now, now, Potter, I know I’m Alan Rickman and all—

Audience: WOOT ALAN RICKMAN!

Snape: —but staring like that is both creepy and against the rules. Fifty points from Gryffindor.

Teachers: *leave*

Hermione: Um…thanks for saving my life, guys.

Harry: Uh, sure, no problem.

Ron: Yeah, it was nothing…

Kids: *blush and stare at the ground*

Harry: Wanna be best friends for life?

Hermione: Oh, what the hell, why not.

Ron: Count me in!

The Most Famous Literary Trio of The 21^st Century: *is born*

BREAKFAST

Hermione: Don’t worry, Harry! You’ll be great at Quidditch! Which is a sport played on brooms!

Ron: Yeah, you’ll do great…despite that fact that you…don’t…have…a broom?

Harry: Eh. Dues Ex McGonachina has never failed me yet.

Long, Broomstick Shaped Package: *arrives*

Harry: Whatever could it be?

Nimbus 2000: *is shiny*

Kids: Oooooooh.

QUIDDITCH

The Game: *makes use of some rather clumsy CGI and motion shots, but overall is sort of epic*

Students: *are all adorable in their little scarves and hats and the like*

Harry’s Broom: *goes apeshit*

Harry: Oh dear.

Hermione: Oh sweet holy Jesus, Snape is jinxing Harry’s broom!

Ron: DO SOMETHING, WOMAN!

Hermione: *fulfills every pyromaniac’s dream of setting their mortal enemies on fire*

Snape: Whoa, I feel hot…omg, FIRE DOWN BELOW!

McGonagall: Please, Professor Snape, there are children listening!

Snape: NO, SERIOUSLY, FIRE!

Quirrell: *is surreptitiously knocked over by the ensuing commotion*

Harry’s Broom: *is tamed*

Harry: *swallows the Snitch*

Gryffindors: Woohoo!

Slytherins: Boooooo!

People Who Have Read The Book: Yeah, Harry, don’t say goodbye to that Snitch so quick, it’ll be coming back for you.

People Who Have Not Read The Books: Can we please make the obligatory spit-or-swallow jokes here? Please?

Dying In America

Why do I feel this way?

Recently, it's seemed to me that half the world is on happy pills. Half the world is on antidepressants because without them, they are oh so sad and unstable. Oh golly, no one should have to deal with unhappiness; on to the pills!

Okay, that sounds bitchy as hell, I know. People I know and love are on antidepressants: my father, my best friend, and various sundry friends and adults in my life. I know that these people take pills because they make them feel better. They aren't idiots, and I'm not stereotyping antidepressant-takers as mentally deficient.

But just as litigation is on a serious rise in this country, so is the average hypochondriac. Physical illness alone is bad enough: every sniffle or cough is the swine flu, and every ache or twinge is multiple sclerosis. My aunt had breast cancer, and it was HORRIBLE. I have no sympathy for people who take a bottle of antibiotics for a head cold, which, by the way, is a fucking virus. And thus, I have limited patience for those who complain about taking their happy pills when I have some of the world's worst mood swings and depression that makes me want to put a fucking pistol to my head sometimes, and I have never taken an antidepressant in my life.

Again, I know how elitist and petty I sound. But seriously, in a country where we're all pretty self-obsessed, this fake-depression thing is out of control. IT'S CALLED A BAD MOOD, PEOPLE. IT'S NOT DEPRESSION IF YOU'RE JUST PISSED OFF BECAUSE YOU'RE BORED. I'm not claiming to have clinical depression, or to have any authority on how other people feel when I don't know a damn thing about them; but I will swear of a stack of anything you want that the way I feel sometimes is irrational, completely unmerited, and so awful that lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling is the only thing I can do without making myself feel worse. Oh, that and blast "What You Own".

Tomorrow is my birthday. My family places a lot of importance on birthdays, mostly because of my dad. When I was growing up, birthdays were a huge deal. Now, I feel like the entire world is a fucking letdown. And it's NOT, because I went to Rocky Horror last night with a bunch of awesome people and there was a lovely little birthday celebration beforehand for Miranda, Kate, and me. I'm taking to a Red Sox game this week. I might even plan something else. All this great stuff has and is happening, and all I want to do is lie down and sleep. Except I can't sleep, so I want to lie down and stare at the ceiling.

What I feel like right now? I feel like my mom and dad aren't really very interested in me, and I'm going to ruin my own fucking life because I CAN'T FUCKING FORCE MYSELF TO DO MY SUMMER HOMEWORK, and I don't want to go to work because everything there is just a reminder of how everyone else prefers everyone else to me, and how I'm so annoying and weird and what have you that my friends there barely tolerate me and love each other so much more than me and I'll never be good enough, and I feel so fucking pathetic for thinking this way and feeling this way that it all just gets worse, and everyone else is gone and I'm a horrible friend to the wonderful people that I don't appreciate, and I'm lazy and everyone else is too good for me, and the rest of the world is ashamed of me and I'm ashamed of me and I will go through the rest of my life feeling like I've disappointed everyone and I should fucking be ashamed of myself and they have every right to do ashamed of me as well, and I'm such a whiny self-centered bitch because I can't spare a fucking thought outside of my own stupid problems and I seek attention and everyone hates that about me, and no one wants to listen to me be a fucking idiot, so I will shit the fuck up.

I bet you didn't actually want to know, did you.

Can this all be done? Please? Can all of this be fucking done? PLEASE? Please please please please please please. Let this all be done.

Parody: Twilight (In Progress)

PHOENIX:

BELLA: The hour of my departure is nigh. My heart flutters with pain and grief. I gaze wistfully across the landscape that I hold so dear.

RENEE: Oh honey, I’ll miss y—

BELLA: I am wearing my prettiest tank top, with eyelet lace and sequins and cross-stitching and no itchy tags. It makes me feel less sad about martyr-ly ditching my mom to have her life with Phil, the plot point of all trophy husbands…

RENEE: Um, sweetie, just call if you need anyth—

BELLA: And even though the pain is too hard to bear, I shall hold it inside on my sweet darling mother’s behalf! Alas, the tears, they fight to escape the prison of my tear ducts!

RENEE: Your plane is boarding—

BELLA: AND I AM JUST SO SAD BECAUSE MY FATHER IS SO DISTANT AND I SHALL BE SO LONESOME AND WOE IS ME, MY FATE IS SEALED!

STEWARDESS: Is she always like this?

RENEE: Pretty much.

ON THE PLANE:

STEWARDESS: Would you like some peanu—

BELLA: WHAT AM I TO DO I AM SO SACRIFICING FOR THE MOTHER THAT I LOVE WITH THE WHITE-HOT HEAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS AND NOW SHE WILL BE HAPPY WITHOUT HER ONLY CHILD

STEWARDESS: *is driven to drink*

FORKS, WASHINGTON

CHARLIE: I am stereotypically awkward!

BELLA: I find your awkwardness stereotypically irritating, yet somehow quaint!

CHARLIE: I am a single male, and therefore I have been unable to function by myself for the last decade and a half. Feed me by hand?

BELLA: Delighted.

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

CHARLIE: To apologize for being abandoned by your mother, I have bought you a unique and charmingly decrepit truck.

BELLA: Yay! Now I can give that money I was saving for a car to the puppy orphanage! Oh, Charlie, it’s what I’ve always wanted: a century-old, peace-disruptingly loud rust lump that gets thirteen miles to the gallon. For a distant father, you sure are savvy about the ways of teenage girls.

CHARLIE: My friend Billy Black rebuilt it. His son JACOB helped. Remember JACOB? The boy who played doctor with you when you were six? He’s all grown up into a young buck of a future plot point.

BELLA: Oh yes, how droll.

STEPHENIE MEYER: Hmmm…

CHARLIE’S HOUSE LATER:

CHARLIE: All right, Bella, you can stop licking the carpet clean. It’s time for school!

BELLA: Oh, my. I do hope that everyone will behave properly and ignore me. I hate it when others acknowledge my existence. It makes me feel so bothersome.

STEREOTYPICAL SMALL HIGH SCHOOL:

BELLA: This loud and incredibly old truck will help me blend into the scenery.

STUDENTS: *STARE*

STUDENT #1: OMG CHIEF SWAN HAS A DAUGHTER HOW INSANE

STUDENT #2: SHE IS TOTALLY MYSTERIOUS AND AMAZING

STUDENT #3: WHAT IS THERE TO DO IN OUR SMALL TOWN LIVES BUT STARE AT HER

STUDENTS: *more STARE*

BELLA: *resentful whimper*

ERIC: Hi. Would you mind having my babies?

BELLA: How dare you make an effort to be friendly? I shun you!

BELLA: *flomps off*

ERIC: *cries*

GYM:

Clumsy!BELLA: I slip! I fall! Oh noes!

STUDENTS: So basically, you are so uncoordinated that you’ll slip and crack your head open while sitting down.

Clumsy!BELLA: Yuh-huh. I’m not good at the whole ‘balance’ thing.

STEPHENIE MEYER: It’s endearing, right? And it makes her relatable, right? And now Bella is the favoritest person of anyone ever, right?

READERS: Actually, it’s just annoying.

STEPHENIE MEYER: No no no! She’s adorable! ADORABLE, GOD DAMN IT!

READERS: Okay, infuriating as MarySue!Clumsy!Bella is, she is nowhere near as crazy-ass as you are, lady.

STEPHENIE MEYER: *strangled gurgle*

SCHOOL:

RANDOM GIRL: Hey! I know everyone is staring and making you uncomfortable, so I’ll break the ice and invite you to sit with me and my friends!

BELLA: If it pleases me, I shall make an effort to remember your name in the future.

Lunch: *is eaten*

BELLA: People want to talk to me. Might as well gouge my eye out with a spork.

MIKE: YOU…PRETTY.

BELLA: *prepares to start a-gougin’*

PRETTY PEOPLE: *are PRETTY*

BELLA: *stare*

PRETTY PEOPLE: *are not eating*

BELLA: *drool*

PRETTY PEOPLE: *are stoic and intensely unfriendly-looking*

BELLA: OMG WANT THEM.

RANDOM GIRL: Are you looking at the Cullens?

BELLA: IrememberyournameJessicaloveyousomuchtellmeboutthem.

JESSICA: Their names are Rosalie and Jasper and Emmett and Alice and Edward. They’re the adopted kids of Carlisle and Esme Cullen. I don’t know why, but they’re sooper creepy. Of course, that doesn’t make them any less—

BELLA: PRETTY MAGICAL BEAUTIFUL GLORIOUS ANGELIC SCINTILLATING GORGEOUS DIVINE?

JESSICA: I was gonna say ‘hot’.

BELLA: They’re too pretty to be sexual in any way. Shame.

EDWARD: *SUPER ROBOT EVIL GLARE HYPER FORCE GO*

BELLA: *withers*

MIKE: Bella, wanna go to class? Wanna? I’ll take you, cuz I wants to be with you, Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella…

BELLA: You disgust me. Not like Mr. SHINY BRONZE-HAIRED ONYX-EYED ANGEL OF DEATH GLARES over there.

BIOLOGY:

BELLA: I can has seat next to Edward? Yay me.

EDWARD: *clenches muscles*

BELLA: Ooooooh.

EDWARD: *tenses body*

BELLA: Aaaaaah.

EDWARD: *ANGRY ANGRY FACE*

BELLA: *swoon*

OFFICE:

MIKE: Can I have your sock? To sniff? Please?

BELLA: Gonna hide. Office. Now.

EDWARD: So, I was wondering if I could do anything on earth to get out of sixth-period Bio…

Comically Overweight Office Lady: You could let me give you some lovin’ detention, you bad little boy…oh, lookie there, I dropped my sparkle pen, wanna pick it up for me?

EDWARD: If I must OMG BELLA HERE GOTS TO GO BYE.

BELLA: *bleats*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

BELLA: Sorry, Charlie, can’t spackle the driveway today, gotta focus on obsessing over Edward.

CHARLIE: *watches game*

SCHOOL:

STUDENTS: Bella, you are our friend and we love you so.

BELLA: I use you as my cover while I focus on obsessing over Edward.

MIKE: He may be pretty, but I’m masculine. And manly. And…not pretty.

BELLA: In reality, I don’t care about any of you and anything you say is infinitely less interesting than my Angel of Scary Looks.

STUDENTS: *Bella-worship*

EDWARD: *is not there*

BELLA: *dies inside*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

BELLA: Charlie, I’m going to go buy food so I can fix you an exquisite four-course meal while focusing on obsessing over Edward, ‘kay?

CHARLIE: *watches game*

FOOD STORE:

BELLA: *sees shiny Volvo* Good god, the Pretty People have a Volvo? THEY’RE EVEN MORE AWESOMELY AWESOME THAN BEFORE!

READERS: Huh?

STEPHENIE MEYER: *grumblegrumbleNEVERGOTACARINHIGHSCHOOLDAMMITSTUPIDPARENTS STUPIDLIFEgrumble*

BELLA: *checks her email*

RENEE: Dear Bella, I’m writing this to you while I prepare to start hunting for the ravaged remains of your body, since you haven’t answered me in the last few minutes and are probably dead in some sex fiend’s basement…

BELLA: Even I’m freaked out, Mom, GOD.

CHARLIE: The Cullens are awesome! Dr. Cullen is beyootiful! DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM!

BELLA: Yeeha.

DAYS GO BY:

EDWARD: *is still not there*

READERS: *couldn’t care less*

BELLA: *weeps*

DAY OF SPECIALNESS:

BELLA’s Friends: Snow! Yay! Come frolic with us, Bella!

BELLA: Enjoying things is FOR THE WEAK.

EDWARD: *is there*

BELLA: *becomes a unicorn of joy*

BIOLOGY:

EDWARD: Hello. How are you, BELLA?

BELLA: *gasp* He knows my TRUE NAME.

EDWARD: Pleasant conversing with you, really it is. Notice that I’m NOT doing everything I can to keep from running away from you like a bat out of freakin’ hell, because why would I do that? T’would be silly, t’would it not?

BELLA: *drool*

EDWARD’s Eyes: *change color*

BELLA: OMG. Your eyes used to be searing and intense black marble, yet now they are a lovely and scintillating shade of topaz-like butterscotch.

EDWARD: Baby, das how ah roll.

BELLA: *burbles*

EDWARD: So…why’s a doll like you out here in this big lonely wilderness?

BELLA: My mommy got a new husband who’s twenty years younger and he plays baseball and I was making her miserable by being in her life so I flew out to the place I hate most in the world and life was hell until I saw you so can I make your babies?

EDWARD: God, you’re strange. I must stalk you a little more until I understand where the crazy comes from.

BELLA: You must do what until the what now?

EDWARD: I. Am. Pretty.

BELLA: *swoons*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

BELLA: I’m gonna drive up to Seattle at some point. S’cool?

CHARLIE: *watches game*

BELLA: A’ight, s’cool.

LATER:

BELLA: Why do boys like me here? Could it be that my ebony hair and chocolate eyes and snow-white skin and petite figure and incredibly engaging nature are somehow more than achingly ordinary here?

READERS: If we strangle you now, will the book get a little funner?

SCHOOL:

BELLA: *twirls* Edward, Edward, Edward, whoa-oh, Edward…

CAR: I CAN HAS FLYING POWERS!

BELLA: The end is nigh!

STUDENTS: Woe!

EDWARD: Not today, bitches. *KO’s car like a crazy man*

BELLA: But…you were just over there! I saw you! How did you get over here?

EDWARD: Yeah, don’t say thanks for saving your life or anything.

BELLA: You saved my what in the what now?

EDWARD: *rolls eyes*

HOSPITAL:

BELLA: Being injured is beneath me. As are neck braces.

MIKE: *digs Bella’s discarded neck brace out of the trash* Oh, ecstasy.

CARLISLE: *swooshes in* Let me have a look at you, Miss Swan.

BELLA: O. M. G. PLEASE RAVISH ME NOW WHILE I’M STILL POSSIBLY CONCUSSED.

EDWARD: Hey, Dad.

CARLISLE: Hey, son.

BELLA: You two are both so pretty…and you have the last name Cullen…and you know each other…you must be related!

CARLISLE: You always go for the dim ones, don’t ya, Ed?

EDWARD: Well, pardon f-cking me for not letting her get squished.

BELLA: Hey, Edward, how exactly did you save me? You never actually explained that…

EDWARD: You hit your head. It was a dream. The shrooms hadn’t worn off yet.

BELLA: Don’t screwwith me, you glorious angel-faced liquid-eyed bastard.

EDWARD: Your posse is here.

BELLA: Forget them, I wanna find out about YOU.

EDWARD: Argh. Fine. I’ll explain. Just stop sniffing me when you think I’m not looking, ok?

BELLA: I DO NOT. *sniff*

EDWARD: HEY!

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

CHARLIE: Bella, honey, are you okay?

BELLA: LEAVE ME ALONE IT’S JUST A CONCUSSION AND SOME BROKEN RIBS AND EVERYTHING WHY ARE YOU SO CLINGY?

CHARLIE: I called your mom.

BELLA: You. Suck.

CHARLIE: *whimpers*

BELLA: *stomps away*

CHARLIE: *watches game*

READERS: Help?

NIGHTTIME:

BELLA: I have Edward!Dreams! Yay!

DREAMS: We rock your world, baby.

Sleeping!BELLA: EdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdward EdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdwardEdward…

READERS: I can make it through this book, I can make it through this book…

Sleeping!BELLA: EDWARD.

READERS: *lie down and peacefully give up the fight for actual plot*

TIME: *passes*

BELLA: So…nobody saw Edward save me from certain death?

STUDENTS: Strangely no, we were too busy shielding our eyes from the INEVITABLE CARNAGE.

BELLA: I hate you all so very, very much. Except for you, Edward…

EDWARD: *ignores her*

BELLA: Edward? Eeeeeeeedward?

EDWARD: *is absorbed in a book*

BELLA: *weakly*…Edward?

EDWARD: *talks to people other than Bella*

BELLA: OH GOD HE HATES ME AND WISHES I WERE DEAD HOW CAN LIFE GET WORSE THAN THIS JUST KILL ME NOW!

READERS: *perk up* Hmm? Pardon?

BELLA: No! Wait! I must confront him! I will not give up in my quest for the truest of true loves!

READERS: Damn, damn, DAMN!

SCHOOL:

JESSICA: Hey Bellaboo, can I ask MIKE to the dance?

BELLA: *eye-twitch* Yes, indeed you may.

JESSICA: Yay! *huggles*

MIKE: Bella? If you’re not going to the dance with anyone else…

BELLA: Mike, it’s kinda hard to hear what you’re saying when you’re humping my leg like that.

MIKE: Oh, sorry…anyway, will you go to the dance with me?

BELLA: Um…well, Mike, this is hard to say, and I hope we can always remain friends, but I have a…a…A RARE STOMACH PARASITE THAT IS TRANSFERRED BY DANCING AND/OR LEG HUMPING. PLUS I AM GOING FAR FAR AWAY THIS WEEKEND. GO ASK JESSICA INSTEAD.

MIKE: Ooh, Bella, give me your parasite, baby…

BELLA: WHAT?

MIKE: NothinggottagoseeJessica.

BIOLOGY:

EDWARD: *acknowledges Bella’s existence*

BELLA: OMG HE SEES ME HIDE *hides behind hair*

EDWARD: I’m no good for you. We both know you belong with Victor.

BELLA: …the f-ck?

EDWARD: Ok, fine, Bogart won’t work. Look, Bella, you’ll understand when you’re older…

BELLA: You wish I was dead. THEN I WOULDN’T BE OLDER!

EDWARD: First of all, it’s my turn to be confused with your random sitcom assumptions. Second of all, WHY DO YOU TALK IN CAPS ALL THE TIME?!

BELLA: *storms away*

EDWARD: Aaaaaaaand I get no answer.

SCHOOL:

ERIC: Bella, would you consider going to the dance with a humble young man like myself?

BELLA: I would rather eat my own spleen.

ERIC: *sigh*

PARKING LOT

BELLA: BLEEPing traffic and I’m BLEEPing blocked the BLEEP in, so I’m gonna be so BLEEPing pissed…

TYLER: Hi! Remember me, I’m the one who nearly maimed you with my car but you were too busy ogling Edward to notice! Go to the dance with me!

BELLA: BLEEPing BLEEP the BLEEP off, you BLEEPing BLEEP of a BLEEP!

TYLER: So that’s a no for the dance, but a yes for prom! Yay!

BELLA: *froths at the mouth*

EDWARD: *giggles*

BELLA: *fails to be in any way unhappy with the Pretty One*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE:

JESSICA: *on the phone* Mike is taking me to the dance as obvious sloppy seconds! I am so happy!

BELLA: Hurrah for you. Get the rest of my man-harem off my back, will you?

JESSICA: Sure thing, soldier. *salutes*

BELLA: And now for three or four pages of Edward-wangst…

READERS: Oh. God. No.

STEPHANIE MEYER: TAKE THAT!

READERS: *froth at the mouth*

EVERYONE INVOLVED: *is unhappy*

STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a sadist*

LATER:

BELLA: *humming* Gonna see Edward…gonna see him today…whoa-oa, Edward…you’re the sugar to my tea…you’re the jelly to my toast…you’re the—

EDWARD: I will talk to you if you stop right there with the metaphors. Also, as a supreme ethereal being, I cannot even ingest human foods like tea and toast.

BELLA: Meep?

EDWARD: So, let’s go to Seattle together.

BELLA: But you said we should stay away from each other.

EDWARD: Do you want to spend time in a cramped car with me or not?

BELLA: I WOULD EAT MY SPLEEN AND MY PANCREAS FOR THE OPPURTUNITY.

EDWARD: Jolly well, then.

SCHOOL, LATER:

JESSICA: Edward is staring at you again OH NOES.

BELLA: Gonna ditch you guys for him. Later.

EDWARD: Your friends don’t look happy.

BELLA: I hate them all.

EDWARD: Wow, you’re sort of a bitch, aren’t you?

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: What?

BELLA: So anyway, what’s up?

EDWARD: F-ck it, I might as well be friends with you, since you’ll just stalk me into oblivion otherwise.

READERS: *will see the irony of this in a few hundred pages*

BELLA: Yes…yes, I probably will.

EDWARD: But I’m a bad friend! A baaaaaaaad friend! No good for you!

BELLA: But…but you’re PRETTY.

EDWARD: The girl, she speaks the truth. Anyway, I talk a lot. Like right now.

BELLA’s Eyes: *glaze over as Edward babbles*

EDWARD: Bella? What are you thinking about?

BELLA: Hmmm? Oh, nothing, just your bone…

EDWARD: Excuse me?

BELLA:…white skin that is so beautiful and alluring. And your come…

EDWARD: Pardon?

BELLA:…pletely golden hair and eyes.

READERS: So we have to read this romantic drivel and we don’t even get ANY smut? You evil, soul-crushing woman.

STEPHENIE MEYER: *cackle*

EDWARD: Boys are looking at you. Shall I eat them?

BELLA: No, probably not…wait, what?

EDWARD’s Eyes: *sparkle sparkle*

BELLA: SHINY.

EDWARD: So, what do you think I am? I could be a superhero…or maybe a VILLAIN. But just for kicks, which Justice League character could I be?

BELLA: Batman. Either that or Wonder Woman, because the more I describe you in my mind, the gayer you seem to be.

EDWARD: Yes well I’m skipping class gotta go bye.

SCIENCE TEACHER: Today we are taking blood. Taking it, smelling it, studying it, tasting it, simply wallowing—or maybe even swimming, cavorting, drowning—in blood. Please ready your blood kits!

BELLA: Oh my, I seem to have the vapors! Alack! *swoons in a rather pathetic way*

MIKE: I’ll take you to the nurse, Bella! *whispering* Oh please oh please oh please oh please…just play your cards right and she’ll fall in love with you before she vomits…

SCIENCE TEACHER: I don’t care who takes her, just get her out before her bile taints the BLOOD.

BELLA: *is limp*

MIKE: *is sadly lacking in heroic zeal*

EDWARD: OH MY GOD MY POOR BELLA! Release her, you varlot, or I shall be forced to thrash you!

MIKE: No! Gimme the Bella back!

EDWARD: Nerp. *slings Bella over his shoulder and runs like the wind*

MIKE: *is the most tortured character in the whole goddamn book*

READERS: Do we count?

NURSE’S OFFICE

Edward: Ms. Cope, Bella *chuckle* is *snort* a little *giggle* sick. Heeheeheeheeheehee…

Ms. Cope: Oh, you poor baby. Don’t worry, there’s always one faker I MEAN FAINTER with these things.

Bella: Edward, go away. I’m already light years out of your league; having you see me all wimpy and dainty will surely demean me even more in your eyes.

Edward: Hey, if I’d been in a room with sixteen bleeding people, I would have broken their necks, piled their twisted bodies on the floor, and sucked their bodily fluids like an alcoholic with a keg of Jagermeister.

Bella: Whuh?

Edward: Don’t feel bad about fainting, Bella.

Mike: *lugging Blood-Sick Pansy #2* Yo, Bella? Hey, are you okay? I mean, is everything all right? Wanna hold my hand? PLEASE?

Bella: KEEP YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET.

Readers: …what?

Bella: I do not want to smell the rusty salty icky BLOOOOOOOOOD!

Readers: …ah.

Edward: Wait…you can smell blood?

Bella: Yeah, why?

Edward: *twitching a little* Umm…no reason. No reason at all.

Mike: Anyway, BELLA, are YOU still COMING WITH US to the BEACH this SATURDAY?

Bella: Oh…uh…sure…I guess so…*whispering* Edward please oh please oh please come with us I do not know what I shall do if I have no one but NORMAL UNPRETTY PEOPLE to spend my day with…

Edward: *whispering* As tempting as it is to make Mike’s head explode…no.

Mike: *oblivious* Great! Well, I’ll see you in about eighteen minutes and forty-two seconds, because that’s when you usually leave for gym! Okay? Okay! *flounces away, having abandoned Blood-Sick Pansy #2 to the harsh world of the nurse’s office*

Bella: Oh god. GYM. On a good day I only break downwards of five people’s limbs. Today I might as well call in a hearse, ‘cause some sad kid gonna die from my sickly flailing.

Edward: Hold on. Look pale and useless, okay?

Bella: ANYTHING FOR YOU.

Edward: Ms. Cope, honey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Bella got a wee bit ruffled by this whole BLOOD thing and she’s feeling a little off. I think she should go home for the day.

Ms. Cope: But that’s against quite a few school policies. I need to call her father, alert the principal and vice principal, get a signed affidavit from her current teacher—

Edward: *waving hand* You WILL let Bella go home for the day.

Ms. Cope: I WILL let Bella go home for the day.

Edward: *waving hand* You WILL refrain from calling her father.

Ms. Cope: I WILL refrain from calling her father.

Edward: *waving hand* You WILL stop staring at my ass whenever I turn around.

Ms. Cope: Okay, Bella, dear, feel better soon!

Edward: Didn’t you hear me? I said you WILL—Ms. Cope? Ms. Cope? Goddamnit.

PARKING LOT

Bella: Ugh, I still feel like throwing up. I think I’m gonna go home.

Edward: Okay, let me drive you.

Bella: No, really, it’s fine, I’m just gonna take my truck and—

Edward: WOMAN, DID YOU HEAR ME ASKING YOUR PERMISSION? NOW YOU GET YOUR DAINTY HUMAN ASS IN THAT F-CKING VOLVO AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BREATHING ON MY UPHOLSTERY WITH YOUR FREESIA-SCENTED GOODNESS!

Bella: …

Readers: Punch him in the face, punch him in the face, PLEASE punch him in the face…

Bella: …okay, fine, I’ll let you drag me across the parking lot and stuff me in your car. But don’t think I’m not miffed!

Readers: *facepalm*

VOLVO OF LOVE

Debussy: *plays*

Bella: Is this Beethoven’s 5th Requiem?

Edward: …yes. Yes it is.

Bella: *beams*

Edward: So…about your mother.

Bella: She looks like me, only beautiful instead of homely and unattractive. She’s quirky and eccentric, with just enough charm and comic appeal to be lovably identifiable for teens with overprotective mothers. She’s my bestest friend and the only one who has ever made me feel WANTED and LOVED. Also, she can make rainbows and kittens appear with her mind.

Edward: Um. Okay. Why’d she marry Young Phil?

Bella: Oh, Young Phil? Well, she likes to pretend to be half her age, and since Phil’s only personality trait seems to be that he’s YOUNG, she married him and they sit around having tea parties and backyard campouts in Florida. I didn’t want to keep making their peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches, so I ran out to my own personal hell. Which is here.

Edward: Hmmm. Interesting. I wonder, would she do the same for you: accept a husband of your choice, even if he was…*dramatic pause* DANGEROUS?

Bella: *shifty eyes* Well, that depends. What do you mean by…*dramatic pause* DANGEROUS?

Edward: Oh, I don’t know. Someone who appears harmless, even appealing, but underneath is a monster of great magnitude…someone behind whose perfect face lurks a bloodthirsty killer. An uncontrollable, unstoppable, angsty murderer in glorious bronze-haired beige-wearing disguise. That kind of DANGEROUS.

Bella: Hmmm. Yeah, she’d probably be a little iffy about that, but no way to know without asking, I guess.

Edward: …

Bella: So, about YOU: d’you like being the bastard offspring of an angel and a gay supermodel? Does the rest of your family? What are they like?

Edward: Well, they’re…um…sort’ve…you know…pretty?

Bella: I’VE NOTICED.

Edward: I’m sure you have.

Bella: *wistfully* I wish I had parents like Carlisle and Esme…Charlie is all boring and ugly and cares about me and shit. It’s so aggravating sometimes.

Edward: Hey, we’re at your house. Now get out of my car before you make it explode with your devil’s luck or something.

Bella: Suuuuuuure you can’t come to the beach tomorrow? If you do, I might be mean to Mike and yell at Eric JUST FOR YOU.

Edward: Sorry, can’t. Me and Emmett are going camping.

Bella: Camping? Together? In the remote woods? With you both being hunky, baby-faced, muscled, divinely perfect young men? Really?

Edward: He’s my BROTHER.

Bella: Oh, in an “adopted-brothers-no-real-relation-perfectly-able-to-have-non-incestuous-hot-camping-sex” kind of way?

Edward: Yes, exactly. WAIT NO NOT LIKE THAT I LOVE HIM IN A PLATONIC AND COMPLETELY INNOCENT BROTHERLY WAY OKAY?

Bella: Oh, man, I get the feeling I’m barking up the wrong tree here. Not that I’ll stop obsessing over your every word, blink, and nose-blow, but still. It’s always the pretty ones, isn’t it?

Edward: Pfft, whatever, girl. Look, do me a favor here; try not to die this weekend. I won’t be there to watch you every second including during the night from your old rocking chair, okay? Keep that in mind.

Bella: Fine, whatever. *gets out of car* Wait, Edward? What was that about the rocking ch—

Edward: *burns rubber down the street*

Bella: …bye.

NEXT DAY

Jessica: Wow, Bella, you fainted in Bio? That must have sucked.

Bella: Oh, great, Jess, thanks for ENJOYING MY PAIN.

Jessica: Christ, I’m just trying to be concerned. Must you construe everything I say in such a cynical way?

Bella: Sorry. I’m superior by nature. It’s a gift and a curse.

Jessica: A really irritating gift, I gotta say.

Bella: I’m sorry, were you speaking?

Jessica: Anyway, why’d you sit with Edward Cullen yesterday?

Bella: No reason.

Jessica: Why’d you look like you wanted to smack him upside the head?

Bella: Meh. Dunno.

Jessica: What did he say to you? *speaking very quietly and fast* GirlwhoMikedoesn’tlikesaysnothing?

Bella: Nothing.

Jessica: Woohoo! Glad to hear it.

Lauren: *walking out of the cafeteria* GOD, I just wish Bella were DEAD so that I could BADMOUTH her without being EAVESDROPPED ON…

Mike: You are mean to Bella! You are bad! Bella is good! She was, is, and will always be better than you! I KEEL YOU!

Stephenie Meyer: Now everyone who was ever mean to me will feel bad and DIE. HA HA HA! Ha…ha…haaaaaaaa…*cries*

Readers: This…is uncomfortably obvious wish fulfillment right here. Can we go to Charlie’s bumbling inadequacy now?

Stephenie Meyer: SURE. *sniffle*

CHARLIE’S HOUSE

Bella: Hey, I’m going to the beach with some kids tomorrow.

Charlie: *watches game*

Bella: Also, I am not being driven to Seattle by Edward Cullen.

Charlie: Bella, would you pipe down? I can’t watch the game.

NEXT DAY

Ben, Conner, Tyler, Eric, Jessica, Angela, And Especially Mike: HI BELLA.

Bella: *grumblemumbleWISHEDWARDWASHEREgrumblemumble*

Lauren: I hate you.

Bella: *sigh*

Mike: So, you’re gonna ride in my car, right? My car. Mine. Beside me. Forever and ever.

Bella: *patting Mike’s head* Okay, Mike. If you’re a good boy and stop peeing on the carpet, I’ll ride with you.

Mike: Yay! I’d do anything for you, Bella…even give up the sweet, sweet pleasure of carpet-piddling. Seriously. I will. Tomorrow.

Readers: Well, she calls him a golden retriever or whatever for the majority of the book, so I guess this is…not creepy…

QUILEUTE LAND

Nature: *is gorgeous*

Mike: Here, Bella look at this driftwood fire. The salt makes the flames different colors. And look at these tidal pools! They’re so full of marine life! Isn’t it awesome?

Bella: Yeah. It’s so pretty…oh my god…pretty…EDWARD!

Mike: *sigh*

Eric: Look, there’s some new kids at our campfire! Why, I think...yes! It is! It’s the Diversity!

Bella: Ah. The significance of a conveniently located Indian reservation begins to dawn upon me.

Catherine Hardwicke, Director of Twilight: The Movie: Just you all wait. I’m going to make one of the lesser vampires black, and some of the human students won’t be white! It’ll be awesome!

Readers: Oh. Yes. Racial uniformity. Because that’s the biggest problem with this book.

Jacob: Um, hi, Bella? Remember me? I’m Jacob, one of those distant childhood friends you hope you never run into after about a decade of being forced together by negligent parents. Nice to see you again. You sure got pretty over the years.

Bella: *musing to herself* He’s nice…and sweet…and has an altogether pretty face.

Readers: HE has a pretty face? EXCUSE ME? What happened to Glorious Angel-Face McMarblePants?

Bella: Oh, Jacob, you’re so fun to be around. Such a relief after all these BRAINLESS MUNDANE PEOPLE I AM FORCED TO MINGLE WITH AGAINST MY WILL.

Lauren: *who is described as having pale fishy eyes and a nasal voice, so we KNOW she’s a bitch* Hey, Bella, I see your new best friend isn’t here. By which I mean, HA HA, Edward Cullen didn’t come because he obviously doesn’t love you.

Bella: Talk to the hand, girl.

Burly Quileute ManBoy: THE CULLENS ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE. EVER. WE DON’T WANT NO CULLENS. NONE OF THEIR KIND CAN COME TO THIS BEACH. THEY ARE FORBIDDEN. ANTI-CULLEN ZONE RIGHT HERE.

Bella: Hmmm. I wonder if the Quileutes don’t like the Cullens…wait. A plan, she begins to form. *to Jacob* Hey, Jacob, you tall, manly man of a man…wanna take a walk with me? *flutters eyelashes*

Jacob: Oh. Sure.

DOWN THE BEACH

Bella: Soooo…what was that earlier about the Cullens? *flashes cleavage*

Jacob: Well, there’s an old Quileute legend about the COLD ONES. When they showed up, our Wolfy Ancestors were ready to tear them limb from limb, but they pulled some “not eating humans” bullshit and got off easy with a treaty or something. Upshot, the Cullens are mortal enemies of me and my tribe, but they are also upstanding and noble and whatever, and you totally, totally won’t be forced to choose between me and them in about a book and a half. In conclusion, they’re VAMPIRES.

Little Lightbulb in Bella’s Head: *spark* *fizzle* *chk-chk-chk-chk-BING!*

Bella: OMG VAMPIRES!

BACK IN FORKS

Bella: *pacing* Okay, okay, okay, don’t panic, don’t panic, he’s way too beautiful to kill me and suck my blood and do horrible unmentionable things to my desiccated corpse…no, way too pretty to do anything like that…but okay, this vampire thing is probably a problem. What do I do…I know! To the INTERNET!

Internet Connection: *is incredibly slow*

Readers: You know, this may be the first time in the entire book that we feel any kind of sympathy for her.

Bella: Let’s see. “Vampires and the Church of Satan”…”Vampire Eyeliner: The Look of the Undead Might Be For YOU!”…”Vampire Love: Edward and Bella Together 4Ever”…NONE OF THESE ARE ANY HELP AT ALL! Oh, hey, look at this…

Vampire Website: All vampire myths are very varied and completely untrue. Except for this one: the Stregoni Benefici, which is (and I quote): an Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.

The Stregoni Benefici: *is astoundingly convenient*

Bella: I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

IN THE FOREST

This Scene: *is very long and is singularly composed of Bella’s internal whiffling and waffling over whether or not Edward is a vampire, oh man I think he is I think he really really might be but NO THAT IS CRAZY, and also what she would do if he was indeed a crazy-scary bloodsucking thingamajig, would she continue to pursue him like a crazed bounty hunter or actually get a life, THE CHOICE IT IS SO HARD AND EMOTIONALLY WRENCHING, when we all know that Bella and Edward are going to be in love for reals, yo, and we knew this at the beginning of the book too, and now we’re just plowing through so we can get to see some hot vampire-sex, but we won’t even see that until the FREAKING FOURTH BOOK, so whatever.*

THE NEXT DAY

Sun: *shines*

Bella: Well, I’m obsessed with a legendary killing machine, I hate everyone else in my life, and I’m still achingly ordinary and plain in that gorgeous kind of way, but at least it’s sunny out!

Jessica: So Mike and I went out to dinner…and all he did was chew a table leg and talk about you…but it was still nice!

Bella: I am so glad for you. Seriously.

Jessica: Oh, hey, come up to Port Angeles with me and Angela this weekend. We want to get dresses for the dance and have fun hanging out with friends.

Bella: Hmmm? What are you talking about?

Jessica: Don’t worry, we’ll show you how to actually tolerate other human beings. It’ll be fun and educational!

Bella: *groan*

Jessica: WELL JUST SIT IN THE CAR AND BROOD, THEN.

Bella: *sigh* Nooooooo, it’s okaaaay, I’ll come aloooooong…*grumbling* Stupid kids, stupid Port Angeles, stupid life…

CHARLIE’S HOUSE

Bella: I’m going to have drive out of Forks with some friends, okay?

Charlie: But the DANCE, Bella! Aren’t you going to the DANCE? What about the DANCE?

Bella: Jesus, man, chill! We don’t all have to mold our lives around that female subjugation crap. I don’t have to go to no women-abusive dances if I don’t want to!

Charlie: Oh, sorry, Bella. I didn’t realize what a feminist you were. I apologize.

Bella: Good. Now, here’s the super-special hotline number that I want you to call if Edward Cullen breathes, speaks, or even farts his deliciously scented farts within a four-mile radius of the house. I’m available at this number 24/7, with the exception of the three hours of sleep I get a night, during which I dream of nothing Edward and his Cullen-y beauty. Also, EDWARD.

Charlie: Right…okay…then…

PORT ANGELES

Jessica: Does this dress make me look fat and slutty, or just slutty?

Angela: Am I quiet enough yet? The only reason Bella likes me is because I’m quiet…also tall. Adorably tall.

Bella: Yeah…you both like fine…or whatever…something like that…maybe…hey, I’m gonna go find a bookstore where I can drown my sorrows in Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Proust, and Camus, because apparently I have read every “classic” book Stephenie Meyer can think of off the top of her head, and a few more she’s Googled.

Stephenie Meyer: *frantically surfing the Web* Chaucer…Bronte…Austen…must make Bella better than everyone else…MUST MAKE BELLA BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE!

Jessica: Yeah, whatever. We’ll go eat and ditch you in this tiny, crimeless tourist trap, where the last major crime committed was jaywalking and public urination. Try not to get raped and dead, Bella.

Bella: Shpff. As if.

Gods of Irony: *roll up their sleeves and get to work*

THE TOUGH BACKLOTS OF PORT ANGELES

Bella: So no go with the hippie bookstore…I think I’ll wander around! Alone! Without a map! And no cell phone! Into the…random red-light district in the tiny crimeless tourist trap! Yeah!

The Only Rapists In The Entire Zip Code: Oh, man, looks like we got ebony-haired-chocolate-eyed-skinny on the menu tonight.

Bella: Oh my! My honor, she may be besmirched! Well, if I run I’ll fall—though, of course, any normal girl would take that fucking chance because hey, being raped is probably WORSE THAN TRIPPING AND FALLING MARGINALLY—and I can’t scream, because the fear has choked my throat! So I’ll kill them all! I will! I’ll…I’ll…remember all this random self-defense shit, though if I’m so clumsy I can’t run across a flat sidewalk I don’t know HOW I’ll be able to execute a precise and complex martial arts move…*shrugs* Bring on the eye-gouging and nose-smashing!

The Only Rapists In The Entire Zip Code: *approach menacingly*

Bella: *stands her stupid, stupid ground*

SuperVolvo: *careens in like a bat out of sparkly hell*

Edward: GET IN THE CAR. PRONTO.

Bella: *dives for the car door*

SuperVolvo: *heads right back the way it came*

The Only Rapists In The Entire Zip Code: …dude. We just got pwned by a Volvo.

INSIDE THE SUPERVOLVO

Edward: TALK ABOUT SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Bella: Boys other than you like me and it makes me angry. Angry and whiny.

Edward: Good, good, keep going…

Bella: All of these boys, man…they’re driving me nuts. Why can’t they see that I regard them as little more than eggplants capable of speech and basic motor function? God, they’re so ugly and stupid and human and all…

Edward: Okay, that’s great. Thanks.

Bella: I just wish they would die. Then I wouldn’t have to waste my time being nice to them and shit. It’s so irritating, being pleasant and polite to other people.

Edward: Bella? I’m okay, you can stop now.

Bella: And don’t even get me started on the girls around here, expecting me to pay attention to them and care about them and—

Edward: HEY I HAVE AN IDEA YOU CAN STOP TALKING NOW AND WE CAN GO HAVE DINNER TOGETHER WITHOUT YOUR FRIENDS.

Bella: *clams up*

BACK IN PORT ANGELES

Jessica: Oh my god, Bella, we were so worried! Are you okay? What hap—*sees Edward* OMG.

Edward: I beg your pardon, m’ladies, but I think I’ll have to absent Bella from your company for a little while. Would it be all right if I escorted her back to town separately tonight?

Jessica: OMG.

Angela: Yeah, sure…come on, Jessica, let’s abandon Bella because we’re good friends that way…this way to the car…

Bella: Thank you.

SOME ITALIAN RESTAURANT

Hostess: *sticks out chest* Hello, sir. *waggles booty* Is there anything *licks lips* I can do *tosses hair* for you?

Edward: Keep it on, woman. A table, please.

Hostess: Of course, sir. *leads them to a cozy booth* Your server will be right over.

Bella: She was flirting with you, but you never looked away from me. Gah, you’re wonderful.

Readers: Hey, I wonder if STEPHENIE MEYER has attention issues.

Stephenie Meyer: I dedicate this chapter of the book to my three high school boyfriends who all left me for other girls. Guys, to put it affectionately, suck it.

Waitress: *ignoring Bella* Anything for you, sir?

Edward: No, please feed my fragile, delicate butterfly over there.

Bella: Mushroom ravioli, and it better be hot.

Waitress: Well, fine, then. *mumbling as she walks away * Wonder if arsenic is traceable in ravioli…